The Fair Only Comes Once a Year

The mantra, "That's not fair" comes from my children at least once a day. And for the older ones who know better than to say it...they think it and communicate it with body language. The answers to this are the same my parents gave to me..."Life's not fair" or my favorite "The fair comes once a year". But do these litte quips deal with the heart of that comment?

Who promised our kids a fair life? Don't we, even as adults, look for fairness? Isn't that what has led to all players getting trophies and a "good effort" being treated as well as a winning team? Why is it that we have become the generation of "fair" parents? Is the world fair? Should it be? In life there are winners and losers. There are life lessons on both sides of that coin. Sometimes the bigger lessons come on the losing side, but we are robbing our children of those if we rescue them and try to "even" everything up.

We have a generation of kids coming out of college expecting to be treated fairly. I would hope that they will be for the most part, but as we all know, they will face unfair moments in their life and if they have not been equipped on how to handle those moments it could be a hard road with great consequence. What can we do as parents to prepare our kids? Isn't the mantra "that's not fair" really saying "that's not equal"?

One of the main questions I have gotten about our chore system is deciding on how much to pay out to each child. We struggled with this and from the response I have gotten others struggle as well. What if you have two children close in age for instance? My youngest two are 15 months apart. We pay the older more and the younger less. The younger angel was not happy (that is an understatement...this angel has no trouble expressing herself) about this and asked (demanded) why she made the least. My husband, being the business man he is, explained that there was something called tenure that meant a person had been there longer. He explained that at his company a new employee may come in and do the same work as someone who has been there 8 years and make less money. He also showed her that with hard work and picking up extra jobs she could make more with a little hustle. Guess what? First month...she made the most. If we had given in and evened it up or even closed the gap on what we paid we would have robbed her of the opportunity to show us and herself she could work smart and hard.

So many kids are coming out of college today screaming for more and doing nothing to earn it and then feeling frustrated and unappreciated they quit that job in search of someone who will see in them the talents that their parents saw. Let's be careful as we encourage our kids that we don't set them up to fail in the real world by teaching them fair is equal and they deserve that. We each have to earn that.

Yes, there may be more crying now, but I hope that the lesson will prevent crying later because in life, the fair only comes once a year!

Answering Some Questions

I have had such an amazing response to our family's new chore system that I thought I would post some answers to questions that keep coming up:

1. Do you ding for other behavior issues or hygiene related problems that have to be reminded?

A: No. We only ding for work related offenses. This includes attitude about a job/chore. For example, if a child is asked to do something and they are sassy then it can be dinged. If that child is fighting with her sister then that requires another consequence. Hygiene reminders are not dinged, but any suggestions are welcome! :o)

2. How much allowance is given and what is it based on?

A: We based our system on need and age and responsibility. The oldest child has more spend opportunities and can take on more responsibility so she makes the most. There is also something to be said for tenure...she's been around the longest. This question is also asked about children who drive and gas money. My suggestion is that you look at what you are currently spending on gas and use that as a base number. 

The object here is to create a reward for a job well done, but not to give so much that they will not need to work the next month. We also didn't want to give so much that they didn't feel the need to work outside the house or pick up extra jobs when they were posted. The number you start with can be fluid to some degree. Let the kids know that everyone is learning together and some things may have to adjust, but err on the side of caution. It's easy to give a raise...impossible to take it away.

3. What do you do if the children live in two homes?

A: Our children do live in two homes and we have two different schedules. Our oldest is with us for a week and with her mom for a week. Our youngest two are with us every week and with their dad every other weekend and one night during the week. So...we called the other parents and told them what we were observing and our plan to address it. We were thankful that they agreed whole heartedly and jumped on board. We pay the allowance from our house, but they  benefit from work done at theirs. They report dings to us each week and we deduct accordingly. They do the same basic work for the other house as here. 

I am aware that not all divorce situations are amicable, but if you have specific questions please feel free to email me at dewinglife@gmail.com and we can discuss this further.

4. Is the money earned outside the home put into the savings formula?

A: Yes. All money is put into the jar and paid out at the end of each month. This way it gets tithed on and saved. This may get some blow back if you have children who earn outside money for babysitting or mowing lawns and they are use to pocketing that money. We did this to teach them giving off the top and saving. That way they are giving and saving off of their TOTAL earnings. Remember, we are teaching life skills and fiscal responsibility. 

5. Do you pay for sports or hobbies or school activities or do the kids?

A: I think each family has to make this decision on their own. We pay for anything related to school or sport, but not hobbies. For example, my daughter takes sewing lessons and she pays for that and any supplies related to that, but I pay for her tennis lessons. I will admit that I had some guilt in this and when I told her that I would not be paying for sewing she wasn't happy, but I explained all the other things I was still paying for and she began to think. Finally, she said, "You know what? I can make things sewing and sell them to pay for my class and supplies!" Brilliant child!! If I had not asked her to pay for this, I would have robbed her from the opportunity to be creative! Brilliant mom!!

6. How do you set the in-house job rate?

A: We post additional jobs on the board and we pay a $5/hour rate. An example might be: Bring firewood up to the porch or Sweep out the garage and straighten the bikes, balls, etc. Those might pay $1/load and $2 or $3 for the garage...depending. It's funny that some children will scoff at the low pay amounts (usually the older ones) and the younger ones will jump on them. These "little" jobs that take no time will be the difference at the end of the month in who makes the most. No job is too small. The other thing we do on these jobs is post them the beginning of the week and what is not picked off by Saturday moves to a Work Day job and is not paid out extra. It is amazing to me that our kids will let those jobs sit and then have to do them for free, but there is a lesson in that too.

7. What if one child does another's work...do they get paid their money and does that incur a ding on the other?

A: No and no. If the kids work a swap or a deal out amongst themselves we let that stand. I like to see them working together to make the system work for them. Good team work.

Last but not least

8. Do you meet individually with the kids to start or collectively?

A: I think individual meetings are important. Each of our kids had different concerns and questions. Their responses to the new system were consistant with their personalities. One was fine, one made it a competition and tried to be perfect (then we had to deal with her failure when she realized that wasn't possible) and one cried and said she could never do this. Having private meetings allowed us to address and encourage each child according to her own needs and concerns. Our pay out meetings are done individually as well. We asked for feedback during that meeting and made some adjustments based on what we heard. 

The key to getting them on board is to make it fun and show them the upside. They will see the downside automatically. These are chores that most of our kids are suppose to be doing now earning nothing so this is a way to get them some money for them to begin to learn fiscal responsibilities while also learning that hard work is rewarded. It is not a system to encourage perfection or competition. We talk about that a lot. Dings will happen and for the child that is a perfectionist it is a great teaching tool. 

I hope this helps and answers most of your questions. The important thing is that you are consistant and use a system that works for your family. This system is working for us.

Month 2: The System

We paid out our first month last week. Month 2 began on Friday. I find it interesting that the girls each earned more than they thought they would mostly because they each had outside jobs with babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, etc. Pay out was a fun time for them to see everything counted out and divided. They each walked away with cash in hand and some in savings and some designated for charity. All girls were happy and smiling and dancing!

The weekend: Not such a great weekend. Lots of dings. Some of it may be due to the fact that we had company and our routines were off, but not only did some chores go undone, the attitudes were worse than they had been all of last month. I have said from the beginning that I am not looking for perfection and we told the girls as we paid them out that the reminders would stop and they needed to step up and remember on their own. I just find it interesting that once they had money in their pockets (and to each of them it was a good bit of money for their age and stage), their attitudes changed. My husband and I talked about this at length. Just this weekend I handed out more dings than in the first 2 weeks of last month. I dealt with more complaining and challenges than I did the entire last month. Is it the new is worn off or that they have money or a little of both? I don't know. I just find it interesting. 

I will say that for the amount we paid out last month total I am expecting great things this month. For that amount of money they need to be functioning on their own without reminders. I know...this is my issue! I clearly have control issues! I read a book once that said if you are worrying more about your children's problems (grades, chores, whatever) than they are...you have the problem! I will let my children fail, I will let my children fail. This is becoming my mantra, but it is hard. My nature is to save them and not let them hurt, but it is not doing what is right by them. I learn my best lessons in failure, my children are no different. I can hear a thousand sermons about sin, but it is in my own sin consequences that I learn. 

So this week, I will let my angels fall and I will not feel guilty about it. I will feel sad for them, but I will not rescue them. 

I have been getting a lot of questions about the specifics of this system and how to tailor it to a particular household or age group. Please feel free to email me and we can put our heads together. It takes all of us working together to do life! 
Contact me at dewinglife@gmail.com

First Month Complete

The first month of the Dew Chore System is complete! Pay out will be tonight. Savings accounts will be opened tomorrow after school!

I have to say that I am pleased with the system. The girls did a great job with a total of 25 dings. We counted on 10 per month per child so they came in under! They each earned money from outside jobs of pet sitting, dog walking and babysitting. Those monies went straight to the jar as well to be counted toward charity and savings. Everyone is very excited about pay out!

I still am having to talk to myself about letting them spend their money and not feel bad about it. What is that? I know that they need to spend the money they earned so that they will have a need to work more and yet I feel bad about that. They don't have a problem with it, I do. 

I think one of my love languages is "gifts". I love getting them and I love giving them. Whether it is an ice cream after school or a sweater on their bed when they get home. I know that I can still do this for them, but I need to do it less so it is special and they have opportunities to spend their own money. I am working on this! 

I am very proud of all of us! Change is hard....even when it's good!!

Maybe It Was Me All Along

This post was written at the two week mark!

We are now two weeks in to our new chore/responsibility system with our girls and it is amazing how much I have struggled during these two weeks. 

When we put the system in place and met with each child, they were excited and so was I. They jumped into the plan and it was AMAZING the difference in the cleanliness of our house. Just by them each picking up after themselves I found I had to find a new morning routine. Usually I would get up each morning and pick up blankets and shoes from around the den, pile them on the stairs for each child and then straighten the kitchen counters. I am a morning person and not a night person so this was my routine. 

Now, all blankets were folded and pillows in place on the sofa. There were no shoes and the kitchen was neat as a pin. The stairs where I normally place things to go up (which never went up without multiple reminders) were clear. That first morning I wandered around a little lost. Would I finally have time for morning quiet time? One would think I would have jumped for joy...and I did a little, but there was a nagging in my heart I couldn't quite pin down.

The week wore on and I witnessed each child really stepping up to the plate. We had great meals that they were proud of and moments of me being able to teach them kitchen tricks. Our dogs were being walked on a daily basis and some of the girls were even getting up on their own to do it before school as they learned to manage their time. I was amazed and yet still felt the nagging.

Then came the moment that the first "ding" occurred and I realized the nagging had been the dread of this moment. The kids had done an amazing job all week. We all knew that dings would happen and we talked about that in our meetings with them when we started. We talked about this not being a perfection and competition system and that they should expect dings. But now was the moment of truth. One child had gotten a bandaid out of the laundry room and when I walked in, the doors were open to 2 cabinets, the box was lying on the counter with bandaids pouring out of it with the remnants of the chosen bandaid lying beside the box. This was an obvious ding. And this was a ding going to my youngest. 

This was the child who had cried when we told her about the system and said she couldn't do it. This is my child who I do too much for and needs the system the most. This is my least responsible child and the one I worried about the most in implementing this. She was also the one who had jumped in with both feet and done an amazing job. She had surprised me and herself. And now I had to ding her. I almost didn't. Thoughts raced through my head and I began to rationalize, "she's done so well", but then the opposing thought said, "yes, but the point is that she understands that doing well means DOING WELL." Giving her a pass would be teaching her another very wrong lesson. I quietly picked up the mess and wrote on the calendar. An hour went by before she noticed. And her response? Not the fit and crying and giving up I had expected. She said, "Oh Mom...I totally forgot that!" WHAT?? This caught me off guard. I am not sure why because parenting 101 teaches that if there are clear expectations then kids understand when they fall short. I still couldn't believe it. 

That happened with each child that first week. Each child had a ding and each child simply said, "Oh man!". But no child had the same ding twice. 

As week one turned into week two I found I had more free time. I was planning things to do with the kids and in a much better mood. I had time to clean out the junk drawer and organize the pantry. These are things I NEVER had time to do before. I am still adjusting to my new time allowance. And the kids are still excited about earning money. They each printed flyers and sent out emails looking for extra jobs in the neighborhood to add to their jars. 

I have to say I am impressed with my kids. They were capable of far more than I gave them credit for but I never saw it until I gave them the chance to do it! 

BUT every ding gives me pause. I have to bite my tongue not to remind them to do things. I have clearly enabled my children right into their entitlement. It's easy to sit around and complain about our kids' attitudes, but it is tough to look in the mirror and realize you are the one who helped them become this way. Doing things for them and giving them passes on obvious infractions is how we got here...and that buck has to stop with me. This system making me aware of my shortcomings...even though those shortcomings are out of love!

Be sure to look back at my other posts: "The Trap of Entitlement" and "The System" to catch up as we walk this walk together!

The Dew Chore System

In my last post, "The Trap of Entitlement",  I promised to detail the plan that my husband and I put into place to help us have some structure in our home to combat the entitlement that had set into our kids. Structure is probably the key word. You can read about why we decided to put this system in place at http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html.

My husband is a very systematic person and like they say, opposites attract. I am not systematic. I am a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. As a stay at home mom I do the majority of daily parenting in our household. So you may see where this is going. I am not consistant with my kids. I have gotten into the habit of telling them what to do and then either not following through with a consequence when it is not done or simply stepping in and doing it for them because it's easier...or at least I think at the moment it's easier. I also buy a lot for them. I have a hard line on some things like phones and electronics, but otherwise I want them to have the latest. And they are girls so I am partial to cute clothes, shoes and accessories. Basically my kids want for little and pay for nothing. 

THE PLAN

Items Needed:

1. Large calendar (I used a vinyl wall calendar that adheres to the wall)
2. Dry Erase Pens (including a red one)
3. A jar per kid
4. One dollar bills
5. A chore list per kid
6. Excel Spreadsheet (optional)

The first thing we did was make a chore list for each girl that was age appropriate and that would teach them life skills. For example, our 14 year old is responsible for all the laundry. She has to have it done each week by a certain day and time so she can choose how she manages that task. Each girl has to plan and cook at least one meal a week. Our girls are 10, 11 and 14. I think kids as young as 4 or 5 can begin to help in the kitchen. 

The other thing we did was pinpoint some of the chronic issues we have in our household. Most of my strife revolves around people not picking up after themselves. It is amazing that people can step over things and leave stuff strewn all over the house assuming that elves will come in the night and put it away. Oh...wait...that's right! I was the elf so of course they believe that! Part of each child's chore list was that they pick up after themselves. For example, if they make a sandwich in the kitchen, everything needs to be put away and the counter wiped. If that does not happen, there is a ding (more on that in a minute).

The final thing that we did was suspend cleaning services to the upstairs. Each girl was given rubber gloves and a toilet brush for their bathroom. The upstairs is their area and they are now responsible for keeping it clean. For us this will be Saturday morning clean up. They will vacuum and clean bathrooms. Their rooms should be clean from the week so it shouldn't be too bad of a chore, but I want them to each know how to dust and clean a bathroom. 

We had a meeting with each child. We told them the amount of their monthly salary. We actually handed them the jar with the money  in it. In the past we tried to do chores on a weekly system and we would forget to pay it out and the system fell apart before it got started. This time I went to the bank and took out several months of allowance in one dollar bills so that I would hold up my end of the bargain. There was also a mental twist that this was their money to lose. Each jar is sitting on the kitchen counter. The reason for the ones? The dings. Every time a chore is not done or items are left lying around the kids pay me to do that for them. I don't yell or nag, I simply take care of it and then go to the calendar and write in red, the amount of the "ding" and what it was for. At the end of each month we settle up. Each girl has to choose a charity and give 10% to charity or church. What is left is divided and half is put in a savings account and the other half is theirs to spend. 

The final part of this system is giving them opportunities to spend so that there is a need to earn. That means we, the parents, stop giving them everything. The girls now pay for all their own entertainment. They buy all birthday gifts for others. If we go out for yogurt, they pay for their own. We have even adopted a stipend system for eating out. When we eat out we will tell the kids how much of the meal we will cover, say $10 per child. If they stay under that amount their meal is free, but if they choose to go over and get dessert or something more expensive like a steak, then they pay the difference. That is a choice. They have control over their hard earned money.

The bottom line to the system is to create choices that will hopefully provide learning opportunities. Each child has a big ticket item that they are saving for and how fast they achieve that goal is based on their spending and saving habits. The other teaching opportunity is to get the kids understanding how hard it is to earn money and the value of the purchase. One of the other parts of our system is "EXTRA JOBS". These jobs are posted each month and paid out at a $5/hour rate or sometimes a job rate. At $5 an hour they are having to work hard to earn extra money in addition to their regular chores. 

Some of you may think this is an intense and harsh system. It is amazing that the kids have jumped in whole heartedly. I know intuitively that kids love structure, but I am witnessing that in my home. They are excited to be earning their own money. I have had no complaints about the system at all which is phenomenal considering all the complaining that went on before when they were asked to do something. It is not the kids that are struggling...it's Mom. My next blog will talk about what I am learning about myself and my parenting.

The Trap of Entitlement

This blog post will be a series of posts that chronicle a parent's walk with their children out of the trap of entitlement. I don't know at this point if we will arrive, but I will be honest about the process. This is a real time experiment so the outcome is unknown. I hope that if you see yourself in this post  you will be encouraged and inspired and that you will encourage me as well along the way. This is action and forward motion, but not a guarantee of outcome.

I don't really like New Year's Resolutions...mostly because I don't keep them very well. I am a great starter of things and a horrible finisher of things. That quality doesn't do well with resolutions, however this year I am motivated to do differently because of my children. My precious angels. You see this Christmas I realized that my precious ones had somehow come to believe that the world revolved around them. I have five children, two of whom are either late in their college career or gainfully employed. The other three are still at home and those children are the ones I am motivated by. 

My husband and I are in our second marriage and blessed with a comfortable life. I didn't grow up with all the comforts that my children have, but with those privileges has come with another side that is not so charmed. Entitlement. One could argue that money doesn't make you entitled, attitude does. I will agree with that whole heartedly, but money makes the destination of entitlement an easier road to travel down. God warns us of this in I Timothy 6:10 where it states clearly that "money is the root of all evil". 

How did MY kids become so entitled? They have no money! Hmmm...could this be me?

It is a gift God gives us in blinding us to the shortcomings of our own offspring, but it is also a curse. I am a mom who watches for entitlement in my kids, but was still caught off guard by statements made around Christmas this year that had my parent antennae up and at alert. We have a 14 year old who decided that this year she was only going to use a $50 gift card (which was given to her as a gift) to buy her gifts for everyone in our family. In principle I don't have a problem spending only $50, but it was her attitude about this card. The way she would say in her self righteous teenage voice, "Everyone will just have to deal with that". UGH!! Whose child was this? My sweet girl who would hand make gifts and worry about them just a few years ago was making her own Christmas list with hardly an item UNDER $50, but telling others to "deal". That was our first warning bell. This was followed by my younger daughter asking me when the cleaning lady was coming so she didn't have to pick up her room. WHAT?? There are so many more incidents that I am actually too embarrassed to write. 

My husband and I called an emergency parent meeting and spent a large part of Christmas break discussing the issue of entitlement that we were noticing in our kids. We noted that they were doing little around the house except when coerced and nagged. We also noted that I had been on a downward spiral and in a bad mood for several months. I felt I was always fussing or yelling at someone OR I was picking up after my angels and resenting and fuming. Either way makes Mommy in a bad mood. When I wasn't cleaning up, I was driving to practices or play dates or cooking or refereeing, and then coming home to a house in disarray. Everything revolved either directly or indirectly around the kids. Something had to give.

My husband is in the business of employment and owns his own company. Like any good man, he went to his strength of fixing things and together we came up with a plan that begins to address the entitlement and hopefully instills some fiscal responsibility in our children. The key to this plan is enforcement. I will detail the plan in my next post, but basically it involves chores, allowance and "dings". It also involves creating opportunities for spending choices. This plan involves a lot of choice. Each child has control and with that control they own their choices...good and bad. 

We are nearing the end of week two and I will tell you that I have learned a lot about myself and each of my children. The answer to the question, "Is this my doing?"...the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I will talk about that as I go, but suffice it to say I have a bad habit of rescuing my children and in doing so keeping them from learning the tough lessons in life that we all have to learn. This system has been hardest on me I think. The kids are doing great and my house is cleaner than it has been in years, but I have had to take a deep look into why it is so hard for me to "ding" my kids. 

If this sounds like a familiar story please follow along. So many moms I have talked to resonate with our problem and we can all draw strength from one another. Buckle up!!