tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28203581113924282022024-03-12T22:43:57.577-04:00Dewing LifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-44986937484819344392013-03-10T21:35:00.001-04:002013-03-10T21:35:22.385-04:00NEW SITE ADDRESS<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Join us over at<a href="http://www.dewinglife.com/"> www.dewinglife.com</a> for a new look and more information!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks for hanging out with us!! If you subscribe by email, I am trying to get that to change without you having to do anything, but I am technically challenged and working on it. Bear with me. If you want to insure a smooth transition and don't mind please sign up again on the new site. There is an RSS feed symbol. Once you click it then click for "more options" and you will see the email option. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you link me on your blog...first of all THANK YOU and second of all if you don't mind redirecting to this new address I would appreciate it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-73571010094663420902013-03-08T07:08:00.000-05:002013-03-08T07:08:25.921-05:00Brag Blog<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Just a little moment to brag on our 14 year old angel. In this whole chore system-- after dog walking-- she would give up cooking if she could. She has to prepare dinner two nights a week. She is not into it. She isn't what you would call an enthusiastic cook, but she trudges through her task with about as much excitement as a bump on a pickle.<br />
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Well, this week we stepped it up. I dropped her at Publix with my debit card and her grocery list. She was not thrilled at the thought of going in alone and, to be honest, I had trepidation as well. Not for any reason in particular, but it just seemed strange. I don't know why because by her age my mom was sending me into the grocery all the time, but it was just odd seeing her go in alone with a list. My thought was that if she owned the whole dinner it would make her feel more attached to the meal. I mean it's worth a shot right?<br />
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After 15 minutes sweet teen angel emerged with ingredients for our dinner and a smile. She said, "I feel so grown up!" And then she said, "Did you know you can get both soft and hard taco shells in one box?" It doesn't take a lot to get us excited here at the Dew House.<br />
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Next I dropped she and baby angel at home to start dinner and I headed off to get the other one from tennis. The girls were on their own. They did a great job! Taco dinner with homemade seasoning and two types of shells. Along with rice and all the fixings, it was a great dinner and all the better knowing it was thought, bought (sort of) and prepared by the girls! Our kids really can do more than we think.<br />
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**As for the picture....she had just finished playing golf and really didn't want me to take the picture so we compromised. I wanted to take it in the Publix parking lot, but she wasn't having any of that...can't blame a mom for trying!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-38775223358044120502013-03-06T11:25:00.001-05:002013-03-06T11:25:27.913-05:00Date Night Done Right<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-8KChSetw3kTcNEYoMnTdsWN4A7_Vg6fSAKtbo8Quzafn_-7PbZchOq7TknZu5WAXkQZfnix68ljfITAfsu-6FiFXx7G6s4bxTJNcqP9ZmVnkAke4bup2y8LUKDpMYVJAK7RTnKm5YkY/s1600/rose.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-8KChSetw3kTcNEYoMnTdsWN4A7_Vg6fSAKtbo8Quzafn_-7PbZchOq7TknZu5WAXkQZfnix68ljfITAfsu-6FiFXx7G6s4bxTJNcqP9ZmVnkAke4bup2y8LUKDpMYVJAK7RTnKm5YkY/s1600/rose.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband and I have done date night since we were dating. It is Tuesday night. All of our friends are aware of date night, our kids know about date night, even our ex spouses know about date night. It's our thing. It sounds great that we have a weekly date night...and it is...most of the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A funny thing happened to date night after we had been married awhile. Date night turned into fight night. Not every week, but enough so that we had a streak of date night arguments which ended date night in tears and hurt feelings. I can't even tell you what we argued about. I am sure it was kids or chores or something stupid. Aren't all major fights actually over silly things like taking out the trash? Another thing that changed in date night was the quality of date night. I was not getting as dressed up as I use to and he wasn't planning like he use to. We were simply going through the motions of keeping a commitment, but the passion and purpose of date night were a distant memory. Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't this way every week, but overall we had lost our way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sweet husband and I were talking about this the other day and he had a great idea. Make date night like it use to be. Okay...that sounds simple, but really. In our busy world and crazy lifestyle we have to be <u>intentional</u> about each other. The purpose of date night is THAT, not to air all the family's dirty laundry. So instead of date night being a place for me to go to bat for the kids on a controversial topic, date night is just about us. We have six other nights to take on family issues. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The kids are off limits. For some of you, it may be a quiet date night. Try it. It's hard, but with the kids out of play, you may just learn something new about your spouse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date night is about courting and being courted. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband's role is to pursue me throughout the day like he did when we were dating. You see, we haven't been married all that long so some of you longer marriages may have forgotten totally. Let me refresh you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Men, call your wives throughout the day. If you can't call, send her text. Check in. Tell her you are thinking about her. You can't wait for date night. Come on guys...it hasn't been THAT long. Pursue her!! We want to know we are in your thoughts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ladies, think about your men during the day. Send them a text and make it flirty. Plan your outfit, shave your legs and be on time for your date. Put your best foot forward. What if this was a date with someone you didn't know and you were trying to impress them? Be open to being courted. Nothing can crush a man like not being received well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my husband pays me a compliment and I am grunged out in my yoga pants, I tend to roll my eyes and wonder what he's up to...I am not open to receiving that compliment because I don't feel the way he is seeing me. Getting dressed up makes me more receptive to those compliments because I feel good about myself. This one thing can change the whole energy of the night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dating is a dance that we do and one that is essential to keeping that side of your marriage alive. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Find a night in the near future and get date night on the calendar. Who doesn't want to be courted? Those were the days that made us want to get married and with good planning and commitment those will be the nights that make us want to stay married. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take it from a couple who has lost a marriage...it is fragile. Be intentional about loving each other and making each other top priority...then make sure you communicate that to one another. Don't put it off. We are getting back to dating in the Dew household. I hope to see some of you out and about with us!</span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-450935961695328562013-03-05T08:45:00.001-05:002013-03-05T08:45:38.147-05:00Awkward and Weird...Middle School is in the HOUSE!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Awkward and weird have become the new buzzwords at our house of teens and preteens. It seems with middle school things that use to be normal or funny are now awkward and weird. As my girls become more aware of what their friends think and less concerned about what I think, I have also become awkward and weird. And here I thought I was hip and cool...not so much!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My 6th grader does not have a cell phone. EVERYone else her age has one...this according to her of course. And she probably isn't too far off from that being fact. It does seem the age for cell phones is getting younger and younger. Our family takes a fairly conservative stance on cell phones and texting in general. Our 9th grader got texting for Christmas and she was literally the last one in her class. However, since getting texting I don't talk to her on the phone anymore. She just texts me. I may hear from her more often, but rarely by her voice. That's sad to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recently my 6th grader was pitching me her latest on why she should have a cell phone and I was listening with rapt attention. Her argument was that she just didn't know what to tell people when they asked for her number. I told her to give our home number. To which I got a roll of the eyes and a "Mooommmm, that would be so weird". WHAT?? What is so weird about that? She went on to explain that if someone other than her answered the home phone her friends would think that was weird. Really? She went on to educate me by telling me that they all have their own number and they are the only ones that answer their phones so it is not weird at all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay...now who is weird?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have we really gotten to the point where kids can't converse with adults or siblings on the phone when they call for someone? This is all the more reason NOT to give her a cell phone. I know it is convenient for our kids to have a cell number, but is convenience causing us to lose sight of the bigger picture? Think about the identity of having your very own number to be reached at by all of your friends. That is a HUGE privilege!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I worry about our kids and their communication style. I don't know that waiting until 9th grade for texting did any good for us or if she jumped in and didn't miss a beat. I do think we missed the middle school text drama and for that I am thankful. My goal in delaying a phone is simply to make sure that my kids are mature enough to handle the responsibility that goes with the privilege. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Texting is here to stay, but we are still the parents and setting limits with technology is still our responsibility. Each device or app requires more parenting on our part. Maybe the reason I</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> don't give phones/texting sooner is that I am just lazy. It's one less thing I have to police. I am okay with that. And for now, you can reach my 4th and 6th grader on the old fashioned land line (ours is even attached to the wall...gasp!!).</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-45680094306440436352013-02-28T22:29:00.000-05:002013-02-28T22:29:05.502-05:00Moderation Mama<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3a9MXFV-SWlV56t7YckLjPcWENY0pyrYa-o7lEojtdItiWB61wohJsS1eF2biHpXA54ZnL549x7Un0h_uFyLwU_s3HFaHb6Kw1U0IRu6Gwj1HLu3dGXLHe0kx59ZfhDbUmiclRPKsf0/s1600/krispy+kreme.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3a9MXFV-SWlV56t7YckLjPcWENY0pyrYa-o7lEojtdItiWB61wohJsS1eF2biHpXA54ZnL549x7Un0h_uFyLwU_s3HFaHb6Kw1U0IRu6Gwj1HLu3dGXLHe0kx59ZfhDbUmiclRPKsf0/s1600/krispy+kreme.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finding the balance between toughness and love in parenting my children is the number one problem I face in being a mom. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want a rule book that says, "When Child A says X, Mom says Y". I must have left that book at the hospital. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Speaking of the hospital, am I the only mother out there who couldn't believe that the nurses were letting me take this little person home? I remember thinking inside that even though I had read every book and logged hours of TLC's Baby Story, this real live baby was freaking me out and I didn't know what I was doing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thinking back to that day, I realize that those nurses should have absolutely blockaded the doors. I didn't know what the heck I was doing, but with parenting the learning is IN the doing! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I <strike>have made </strike> make more than my fair share of mistakes daily in parenting. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I am either eating three meals a day at Krispy Kreme or I am on some low carb something or other diet and running 3 miles a day. All in or all out. I can be that way in parenting as well. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can either be super permissive and disconnected or Army General and over the top. I am working on being more in the middle. Moderation in all things...right? I have been angry way too much with my kids and I have turned my head way too often as well. And every single day that I have been a mom I have felt guilty about something. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My prayer is that God covers the gaps that I leave and that I will have enough money for a college fund AND a therapy fund! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Happy Weekend! May your household run in smooth moderation!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-52906645384421269372013-02-27T10:17:00.002-05:002013-02-27T10:17:33.522-05:00The Update: End of Month Two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMUDFRWnbEtZIwe9Q92toSxr7ehy1OLWSFteEG7o-MKjFmIgnsdJ_GGtseL556iboJE5lp_UEm5B2cEUcVUrI2_RfEtQYAv9RdofjBkBvheZMFGTcXECbb6zhi7DsjdSm4ORYZ-pjJCjw/s1600/baby_steps.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMUDFRWnbEtZIwe9Q92toSxr7ehy1OLWSFteEG7o-MKjFmIgnsdJ_GGtseL556iboJE5lp_UEm5B2cEUcVUrI2_RfEtQYAv9RdofjBkBvheZMFGTcXECbb6zhi7DsjdSm4ORYZ-pjJCjw/s320/baby_steps.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay fellow frustrated parents, here is the update on The System after two months! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The system itself is still in place and two months for anything around here is world record so for that I am proud. I will say that the enthusiasm level has decreased and the dings have crept up this month. We are close to pay day though and it is funny how each angel was checking the calendar this afternoon and counting their dings to see what extra chores could be picked up to nullify their deficit. I am not sure that all will be even, but I love the effort. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u><b>Struggles</b></u></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My youngest angel is, as expected, struggling the most. She is built like her mama so I totally get the lack of attention to detail (the hardest part of this system is ME remembering to check everything). I am not an organized, together mom and my baby girl is her mother's daughter. It has given us great opportunities to talk about procrastination and organization. She is still working on a system that works to help her remember, but she is not defeated and for that I am thankful. My fear was that she would be so far behind her sisters that she would toss her hands up. We have stressed that this is not a competition, but I worried it would become one anyway. So far, so good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u><b>Adjustments</b></u></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We made one adjustment after our first month. We had asked each girl to walk a dog each day (3 girls, 3 dogs) for 20 minutes. That proved to be too much the first month so we adjusted and let them walk the dogs 4 times a week for 30 minutes a walk. This way they can look at their schedules and decide which days work for them. They also learned this month they have to look at the weather as well. If you asked any of them what chore they would give up it would be the dog walking, but it gets them and the pooches out and moving so I don't see this chore going away, but being the model of flexibility that we are...we adjusted. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u><b>The System in Action</b></u></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> A couple of weeks ago we had middle of the week spend the night company. We never do this, but a friend needed some help while she was out of town. The morning before school was kind of crazy and when I got home I noticed that the youngest's room was a mess. Her bed had been tossed up, but other than that, it was a mess. My first thought was, "Well, we did have a crazy morning". Then I went in the other girls' rooms. They were clean and all the other morning chores had been done. So I went back to baby girl's room. I cleaned it up....the way I like to clean it! Then I wrote the ding on the calendar. Now, if this was pre-system days I would have cleaned it up and then shown her the room after school proclaiming how this would be the last time I would be doing that for her (really...how many last times have I proclaimed in her short 10 years?). Instead, I did what I really wanted to do deep inside which was clean that mess up, and she took a consequence for it. Win-Win!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One other cool thing that happened this month was that a friend of Emma Kate's had a birthday party that asked for donations instead of a gift. She was able to use her charity money for that party. She was so excited to give "her" money to that cause. Love that!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you ask the girls on any given day and they hate the system, but ask them on pay day and it's the greatest thing ever! I even got a text from my 14 year old asking if this was pay week. This is worth all the moaning and groaning. We are making baby steps!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me know how you have adapted this system for your house and any ideas that you find that work!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-21426359057255280332013-02-24T22:21:00.001-05:002013-02-25T07:48:57.314-05:00What is "Right"?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4LnqPJSLBa9qHvLUZ_sytt7YmcX-WrRDOMWsEiBsM31amdsjC5Rq3Sw3yWxKnUgO3HVxJLhRGCglFyOz5K5B-BxZ04n41dt2U5N9OexWqWE-bHD5lVybyQEHFY1Ejmmg4RBLoLJOabGU/s1600/6a00e54f8c25c9883401676355388a970b-800wi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4LnqPJSLBa9qHvLUZ_sytt7YmcX-WrRDOMWsEiBsM31amdsjC5Rq3Sw3yWxKnUgO3HVxJLhRGCglFyOz5K5B-BxZ04n41dt2U5N9OexWqWE-bHD5lVybyQEHFY1Ejmmg4RBLoLJOabGU/s200/6a00e54f8c25c9883401676355388a970b-800wi.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been overwhelmed these past weeks by the response to Dewing Life. It has made me feel less alone on this parenting road. As I look at all the pictures of moms and dads and grandparents that have "Liked" our Facebook page, I see loving parents and precious kids. I have been humbled by the private messages and emails I have received encouraging me in my own parenting journey as well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We can all find parents that we think are doing it better than us and ones we think are doing worse. I started this blog out of my failings. I wish I had been more on top of things when my children were smaller, but I missed so now I am catching up...and it's way tougher now than it would have been at 3 and 4. But I hope it's easier now than at 16 and 17.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What is "right" for one family may not be for another. For example, just ask the question "What age should a child be to receive a cell phone?" and see what kind of discussion gets going. There are varied opinions on so many parenting issues we are all facing. Our kids have more technology than we could have dreamt of as children and know so much more about it than we do. It seems their innocence is being threatened at every turn with more and more sexual and violent images on every screen while we are left trying to figure out how to work the new remotes in our living room. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Navigating parental waters these days is treacherous. We as parents face so many more obstacles and challenges than our parents did. And </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">because of this, I know I am guilty of getting bogged down in checking to see what everyone else is doing instead of figuring out what works for my family and my children based on our values and the actual <b>needs</b> of my children. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I am afraid is happening is that culture is driving our parenting decisions instead of solid parenting driving our culture. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to make sure I am doing what is "right" by what I actually think is right...not what every other parent is allowing their child to do. Just like putting my kids in 7 sports at age 4 to make sure they were not left behind, I now feel pressure to Instagram, SnapChat, Tumblr, Facebook, cell phone and text now so that my angels aren't left out or left behind as the world of social media moves on without them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Parental peer pressure is as tough as teen peer pressure. I mean honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn't want my kids to be included and not be left out or behind, but that is not the point I should <b>parent</b> from. I want to be best parent I can be and I hope by saying no and setting limits based on what my children <b>need</b>...not out of fear they will be left out or left behind I will edge a little closer to that goal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Making sure these angels leave our home with a relationship with Jesus, grateful hearts, humility, knowing how to say they are sorry, a good work ethic and a good sense for right and wrong is what I hope to accomplish. That's a lot of teaching and parenting right there! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of those lessons will be taught by me saying no and allowing those chips to fall where they may. Doing the right thing is most often never the easy thing.</span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-84418452082042870232013-02-22T09:37:00.001-05:002013-02-22T21:11:06.660-05:00 The Perfect Plan and Mommy Guilt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRbNF1gO4_bu6DLxqdZd7KMjCFUuwoViEAu5JY2SNvXlMctBuI607779VhpVT9oWlsIYbO3igvN3-alhLqPnWh2x5xdyTikzUd34MuRCmGuKd_6obnN3Y9bm58y95HM25qAHKPVzgJKo4/s1600/perfection.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRbNF1gO4_bu6DLxqdZd7KMjCFUuwoViEAu5JY2SNvXlMctBuI607779VhpVT9oWlsIYbO3igvN3-alhLqPnWh2x5xdyTikzUd34MuRCmGuKd_6obnN3Y9bm58y95HM25qAHKPVzgJKo4/s1600/perfection.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had lunch yesterday with a new friend and we spent most of our lunch talking about how guilty we feel in giving our kids consequences. Not the yelling, lecturing consequences but the real ones. Leaving a child at home that is always causing you to be late, not taking a homework assignment to him even though it will cause him to get a zero...those kinds of consequences. The "mean" ones. The ones that life gives them that we rescue them from. Why is it that we, as parents cannot stand to allow the natural consequences of life to teach the lessons? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She and I talked about all sorts of reasons from not wanting to see our children hurt to feeling somehow responsible for them hurting. When life's consequences hit them, they turn to us and that makes us feel responsible. When my youngest forgot her homework for the 2nd day she looked to me to bring it to her and then when I said no it was suddenly not her fault anymore, it was mine. I am constantly reminding my children that I have already been through school and this is their time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would raise a second option as well. Perfection. When I had my first sweet baby I wanted to be the perfect mom. I had it all planned (which should have been my first warning). I was going to wait until a certain point in labor for my epidural ( I knew I wasn't woman enough to go natural). I had a birth plan and had watched hours of TLC Baby Story to prepare for this birth. I was also going to breastfeed because that was how we were going to bond and that was what was BEST for her. I was so excited about my plan. What is the saying...when you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans? You got it. Epidural came early. When we lost the heartbeat late in labor, all bets were off and it was just get her out safely. No birth plan. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I didn't produce enough milk and she latched on all wrong. She was starving and I was miserable. To top it off, she had colic. I felt even more guilty because "they" say breast milk is best for colic and I had none. She and I were off to a roaring start.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fast forward...I still have a plan and God is still laughing. I want to be the perfect mom and the Pinterest mom and do all the things that I think a "perfect" mom does. And from that, I will produce the perfect kids because don't my kids reflect on me and my parenting? Isn't there a competition among moms from birth? "How long did you breastfeed?", "When did your angel walk?", "My precious is in the gifted program". I am guilty. I want my child in the best and brightest. I want her to have it all and be included. But why? For her? Or for me? Or maybe, for both?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I really spend time thinking about what that is I think I have it all backwards. My job isn't to give my kids the best birthday party and make sure they make straight A's even if I have to stay up late working on their projects and checking their homework. My job is to teach them that life isn't fair and that some kids are better in math than they are and that that is okay. My job is to remind them that God will not ask where they went to college or what clubs they were in in high school. God wants to know how much are they becoming like Jesus...who is the only perfect one I know. God cares about their hearts and how well they love one another. I think that character is taught during the hard times. It's easy to take all the credit during the easy times and forget about God.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Protecting our kids from failure gives them a false sense of who they are. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have parents paying kids to take the SAT for their kids to help them get into the best schools. Now, I might not do that, but what if I request the best teachers at the school each year instead of allowing my child to learn how to deal with an average teacher? Or i</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">f I override the system to get them into the advanced classes or gifted programs so they don't feel left behind? If we as parents believe that God has a plan, then we will trust that that plan can include bad teachers and regular classes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead of removing the obstacles that God may be using to teach our kids (and us), reminding our kids during the hard times that God has a plan and it may not look like theirs will help them when they are older to look to God to get them through and not to us. I don't want to be their rescuer...they already have one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is okay to not take that homework and let them get that zero. Hold them while they cry and even cry with them. That is our job.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-37837956565630746662013-02-19T15:57:00.002-05:002013-02-19T15:57:19.834-05:00Shouldn't My Kids Just Do What I Ask? Why Pay Them?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6xV23GO8h-i-NIaNTc704Dpf3rv2xNmgacQ4_z66zPyUfg5prvy1eAlAm2bE-2oHjQ1RgK00oZTy1938g-y925Sz95J6ujShx37Oz0K0X27dMQcemjlkuxJaXmElE3y34bpw6qBlOMOE/s1600/A_frustrated_mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6xV23GO8h-i-NIaNTc704Dpf3rv2xNmgacQ4_z66zPyUfg5prvy1eAlAm2bE-2oHjQ1RgK00oZTy1938g-y925Sz95J6ujShx37Oz0K0X27dMQcemjlkuxJaXmElE3y34bpw6qBlOMOE/s320/A_frustrated_mom.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before we had our family makeover in January, this picture was the scene in my house. I was pulling my thinning, graying (yet beautifully colored) hair out of my head and my kids were arguing over who did the last thing that was asked. This is sort of how it went down in our house:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mom: "Oldest Angel (because I call on her first every time because she is generally the most reliable...this isn't conscious, but it is what happens), come unload the dishwasher and be sure you load it back."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She runs down and takes care of it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mom: "Younger Angel, can you grab the mail and walk the dog honey? She's been in all day long?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She comes in and does both.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mom: "Oldest Angel, can you set the table and fill the glasses with ice?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She does and asks if there is anything else she can do to help with dinner.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ok....now really! I WISH this is how it went in my house. When I dream, I dream of this!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Normally the responses to these requests are met with "just a minute" or a whiney, "Moooommmmm, I just did something, can't you ask the other ones?" or " Moooommmm, we are playing Wii, can't you wait just a minute?" or "Why do I have to do everything around here? My sister doesn't do anything! Why aren't you asking her to do something?" Then I would engage in the childish argument that my child had set forth instead of just killing the talk right then. Before you know it I am in a full yell and lecture mode about how much they have and how lucky they are and all they are hearing is "blah blah blah". How many times did that lecture end with "Things are gonna change around here". And they would... for a week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The beauty of the new system we set up is that the expectations are clearly defined for each child. In a perfect day (which happens only on occasion) I should not have to remind, nag or even ask them to do anything other than something extra I need like bring in the groceries. This takes the heat off of me and puts it on them. They now have a list both printed and posted that is their accountability. For example, I went outside with our visiting puppy this morning, I walked to the mailbox because I didn't remember seeing the mail yesterday. There it was still tucked in the box. I grabbed it and just wrote a ding on the calendar. No lecturing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whether you pay your kids or not for chores is a decision that each family has to make. We pay in order to create a family economy to teach the kids about fiscal responsibility. If you don't "ding" for money (see <a href="http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-system.html">The System</a> and <a href="http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html">The Trap of Entitlement</a> if you are just now catching up to our journey) then you have to instill some clear consequence in order to teach. I'm embarrassed to admit that my consequence use to be a lot of talking and lecturing that only taught my kids how to tune me out completely. It is amazing that to this day my oldest precious angel can actually not hear my voice when I am right next to her! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were clear when we designed this that one of the main parts of this system requires the kids to come off of my wallet and onto their own. Paying them for work gives them money. This money is <b>not</b> just for their liesure and pleasure and a bonus to what I already give them, but it is a <b><u><i><span style="color: red;">replacement</span></i></u></b> for things I use to pay for that I do not anymore. The angels want to drive thru McD's after school for a shake? Awesome! Do they have money? Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no and sometimes one does and one doesn't. Isn't that the way it is in college? Sometimes you have money to go on a late night Taco Bell run with your friends and sometimes you have to say no. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We cover their basics. If they have a good pair of tennis shoes for school, but see someone in a pair they want more? Awesome! Do they have money? No? Save it! Pick up extra jobs to earn more! We are supportive in helping them think of creative ways to earn, but not here to be their bankroll anymore! They will not have me to bankroll them in a few years and if they don't learn to save and <b>wait</b> on something I am failing them!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This instant gratification generation is being fed by well meaning parents like me <b><i>because I want them to have the latest something something that will make them feel cool and hip</i>.</b> Okay...that last sentence is a whole other blog!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am sending my kids the wrong message. See again...the problem starts with me. I helped my angels right into this predicament!</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-39420000769774833782013-02-11T13:05:00.001-05:002013-02-12T16:02:25.434-05:00The Fair Only Comes Once a Year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The mantra, "That's not fair" comes from my children at least once a day. And for the older ones who know better than to say it...they think it and communicate it with body language. The answers to this are the same my parents gave to me..."Life's not fair" or my favorite "The fair comes once a year". But do these litte quips deal with the heart of that comment?<br />
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Who promised our kids a fair life? Don't we, even as adults, look for fairness? Isn't that what has led to all players getting trophies and a "good effort" being treated as well as a winning team? Why is it that we have become the generation of "fair" parents? Is the world fair? Should it be? In life there are winners and losers. There are life lessons on both sides of that coin. Sometimes the bigger lessons come on the losing side, but we are robbing our children of those if we rescue them and try to "even" everything up.<br />
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We have a generation of kids coming out of college expecting to be treated fairly. I would hope that they will be for the most part, but as we all know, they will face unfair moments in their life and if they have not been equipped on how to handle those moments it could be a hard road with great consequence. What can we do as parents to prepare our kids? Isn't the mantra "that's not fair" really saying "that's not equal"?<br />
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One of the main questions I have gotten about our chore system is deciding on how much to pay out to each child. We struggled with this and from the response I have gotten others struggle as well. What if you have two children close in age for instance? My youngest two are 15 months apart. We pay the older more and the younger less. The younger angel was not happy (that is an understatement...this angel has no trouble expressing herself) about this and asked (demanded) why she made the least. My husband, being the business man he is, explained that there was something called tenure that meant a person had been there longer. He explained that at his company a new employee may come in and do the same work as someone who has been there 8 years and make less money. He also showed her that with hard work and picking up extra jobs she could make more with a little hustle. Guess what? First month...she made the most. If we had given in and evened it up or even closed the gap on what we paid we would have robbed her of the opportunity to show us and herself she could work smart and hard.<br />
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So many kids are coming out of college today screaming for more and doing nothing to earn it and then feeling frustrated and unappreciated they quit that job in search of someone who will see in them the talents that their parents saw. Let's be careful as we encourage our kids that we don't set them up to fail in the real world by teaching them fair is equal and they deserve that. We each have to earn that.<br />
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Yes, there may be more crying now, but I hope that the lesson will prevent crying later because in life, the fair only comes once a year!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-64115798303596270252013-02-06T10:18:00.000-05:002013-02-06T10:21:07.409-05:00Answering Some Questions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3f26tp2yTDBvm74lzmbYbN7PYhhyphenhyphennmbTs2FmkmESLnQnuTM2gs6HZ1CjF9X3U-Yec8v2ecxSK9ETcUMC8j9axKClvI5rcPZJJKsZsQI1AT2WB4Z6aPKHubbrKrB_KKEJ56JbJuKFTBNo/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3f26tp2yTDBvm74lzmbYbN7PYhhyphenhyphennmbTs2FmkmESLnQnuTM2gs6HZ1CjF9X3U-Yec8v2ecxSK9ETcUMC8j9axKClvI5rcPZJJKsZsQI1AT2WB4Z6aPKHubbrKrB_KKEJ56JbJuKFTBNo/s320/photo.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have had such an amazing response to our family's new chore system that I thought I would post some answers to questions that keep coming up:</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Do you ding for other behavior issues or hygiene related problems that have to be reminded?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: No. We only ding for work related offenses. This includes attitude about a job/chore. For example, if a child is asked to do something and they are sassy then it can be dinged. If that child is fighting with her sister then that requires another consequence. Hygiene reminders are not dinged, but any suggestions are welcome! :o)</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. How much allowance is given and what is it based on?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: We based our system on need and age and responsibility. The oldest child has more spend opportunities and can take on more responsibility so she makes the most. There is also something to be said for tenure...she's been around the longest. This question is also asked about children who drive and gas money. My suggestion is that you look at what you are currently spending on gas and use that as a base number. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The object here is to create a reward for a job well done, but not to give so much that they will not need to work the next month. We also didn't want to give so much that they didn't feel the need to work outside the house or pick up extra jobs when they were posted. The number you start with can be fluid to some degree. Let the kids know that everyone is learning together and some things may have to adjust, but err on the side of caution. It's easy to give a raise...impossible to take it away.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. What do you do if the children live in two homes?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: Our children do live in two homes and we have two different schedules. Our oldest is with us for a week and with her mom for a week. Our youngest two are with us every week and with their dad every other weekend and one night during the week. So...we called the other parents and told them what we were observing and our plan to address it. We were thankful that they agreed whole heartedly and jumped on board. We pay the allowance from our house, but they benefit from work done at theirs. They report dings to us each week and we deduct accordingly. They do the same basic work for the other house as here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am aware that not all divorce situations are amicable, but if you have specific questions please feel free to email me at dewinglife@gmail.com and we can discuss this further.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Is the money earned outside the home put into the savings formula?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: Yes. All money is put into the jar and paid out at the end of each month. This way it gets tithed on and saved. This may get some blow back if you have children who earn outside money for babysitting or mowing lawns and they are use to pocketing that money. We did this to teach them giving off the top and saving. That way they are giving and saving off of their TOTAL earnings. Remember, we are teaching life skills and fiscal responsibility. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Do you pay for sports or hobbies or school activities or do the kids?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: I think each family has to make this decision on their own. We pay for anything related to school or sport, but not hobbies. For example, my daughter takes sewing lessons and she pays for that and any supplies related to that, but I pay for her tennis lessons. I will admit that I had some guilt in this and when I told her that I would not be paying for sewing she wasn't happy, but I explained all the other things I was still paying for and she began to think. Finally, she said, "You know what? I can make things sewing and sell them to pay for my class and supplies!" Brilliant child!! If I had not asked her to pay for this, I would have robbed her from the opportunity to be creative! Brilliant mom!!</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. How do you set the in-house job rate?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: We post additional jobs on the board and we pay a $5/hour rate. An example might be: Bring firewood up to the porch or Sweep out the garage and straighten the bikes, balls, etc. Those might pay $1/load and $2 or $3 for the garage...depending. It's funny that some children will scoff at the low pay amounts (usually the older ones) and the younger ones will jump on them. These "little" jobs that take no time will be the difference at the end of the month in who makes the most. No job is too small. The other thing we do on these jobs is post them the beginning of the week and what is not picked off by Saturday moves to a Work Day job and is not paid out extra. It is amazing to me that our kids will let those jobs sit and then have to do them for free, but there is a lesson in that too.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. What if one child does another's work...do they get paid their money and does that incur a ding on the other?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: No and no. If the kids work a swap or a deal out amongst themselves we let that stand. I like to see them working together to make the system work for them. Good team work.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last but not least</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. Do you meet individually with the kids to start or collectively?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: I think individual meetings are important. Each of our kids had different concerns and questions. Their responses to the new system were consistant with their personalities. One was fine, one made it a competition and tried to be perfect (then we had to deal with her failure when she realized that wasn't possible) and one cried and said she could never do this. Having private meetings allowed us to address and encourage each child according to her own needs and concerns. Our pay out meetings are done individually as well. We asked for feedback during that meeting and made some adjustments based on what we heard. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The key to getting them on board is to make it fun and show them the upside. They will see the downside automatically. These are chores that most of our kids are suppose to be doing now earning nothing so this is a way to get them some money for them to begin to learn fiscal responsibilities while also learning that hard work is rewarded. It is not a system to encourage perfection or competition. We talk about that a lot. Dings will happen and for the child that is a perfectionist it is a great teaching tool. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope this helps and answers most of your questions. The important thing is that you are consistant and use a system that works for your family. This system is working for us.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-53795536277957379172013-02-04T11:21:00.001-05:002013-02-04T12:12:29.586-05:00Month 2: The System<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We paid out our first month last week. Month 2 began on Friday. I find it interesting that the girls each earned more than they thought they would mostly because they each had outside jobs with babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, etc. Pay out was a fun time for them to see everything counted out and divided. They each walked away with cash in hand and some in savings and some designated for charity. All girls were happy and smiling and dancing!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The weekend: Not such a great weekend. Lots of dings. Some of it may be due to the fact that we had company and our routines were off, but not only did some chores go undone, the attitudes were worse than they had been all of last month. I have said from the beginning that I am not looking for perfection and we told the girls as we paid them out that the reminders would stop and they needed to step up and remember on their own. I just find it interesting that once they had money in their pockets (and to each of them it was a good bit of money for their age and stage), their attitudes changed. My husband and I talked about this at length. Just this weekend I handed out more dings than in the first 2 weeks of last month. I dealt with more complaining and challenges than I did the entire last month. Is it the new is worn off or that they have money or a little of both? I don't know. I just find it interesting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will say that for the amount we paid out last month total I am expecting great things this month. For that amount of money they need to be functioning on their own without reminders. I know...this is my issue! I clearly have control issues! I read a book once that said if you are worrying more about your children's problems (grades, chores, whatever) than they are...you have the problem! I will let my children fail, I will let my children fail. This is becoming my mantra, but it is hard. My nature is to save them and not let them hurt, but it is not doing what is right by them. I learn my best lessons in failure, my children are no different. I can hear a thousand sermons about sin, but it is in my own sin consequences that I learn. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So this week, I will let my angels fall and I will not feel guilty about it. I will feel sad for them, but I will not rescue them. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I have been getting a lot of questions about the specifics of this system and how to tailor it to a particular household or age group. Please feel free to email me and we can put our heads together. It takes all of us working together to do life! </i></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Contact me at dewinglife@gmail.com</i></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-89148646863049559962013-01-31T17:39:00.004-05:002013-01-31T17:39:41.447-05:00First Month Complete<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first month of the Dew Chore System is complete! Pay out will be tonight. Savings accounts will be opened tomorrow after school!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to say that I am pleased with the system. The girls did a great job with a total of 25 dings. We counted on 10 per month per child so they came in under! They each earned money from outside jobs of pet sitting, dog walking and babysitting. Those monies went straight to the jar as well to be counted toward charity and savings. Everyone is very excited about pay out!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I still am having to talk to myself about letting them spend their money and not feel bad about it. What is that? I know that they need to spend the money they earned so that they will have a need to work more and yet I feel bad about that. They don't have a problem with it, I do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think one of my love languages is "gifts". I love getting them and I love giving them. Whether it is an ice cream after school or a sweater on their bed when they get home. I know that I can still do this for them, but I need to do it less so it is special and they have opportunities to spend their own money. I am working on this! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am very proud of all of us! Change is hard....even when it's good!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-90256124768244662112013-01-21T07:53:00.000-05:002013-02-07T17:33:15.598-05:00Maybe It Was Me All Along<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>This post was written at the two week mark!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are now two weeks in to our new chore/responsibility system with our girls and it is amazing how much I have struggled during these two weeks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we put the system in place and met with each child, they were excited and so was I. They jumped into the plan and it was AMAZING the difference in the cleanliness of our house. Just by them each picking up after themselves I found I had to find a new morning routine. Usually I would get up each morning and pick up blankets and shoes from around the den, pile them on the stairs for each child and then straighten the kitchen counters. I am a morning person and not a night person so this was my routine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, all blankets were folded and pillows in place on the sofa. There were no shoes and the kitchen was neat as a pin. The stairs where I normally place things to go up (which never went up without multiple reminders) were clear. That first morning I wandered around a little lost. Would I finally have time for morning quiet time? One would think I would have jumped for joy...and I did a little, but there was a nagging in my heart I couldn't quite pin down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The week wore on and I witnessed each child really stepping up to the plate. We had great meals that they were proud of and moments of me being able to teach them kitchen tricks. Our dogs were being walked on a daily basis and some of the girls were even getting up on their own to do it before school as they learned to manage their time. I was amazed and yet still felt the nagging.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then came the moment that the first "ding" occurred and I realized the nagging had been the dread of this moment. The kids had done an amazing job all week. We all knew that dings would happen and we talked about that in our meetings with them when we started. We talked about this not being a perfection and competition system and that they should expect dings. But now was the moment of truth. One child had gotten a bandaid out of the laundry room and when I walked in, the doors were open to 2 cabinets, the box was lying on the counter with bandaids pouring out of it with the remnants of the chosen bandaid lying beside the box. This was an obvious ding. And this was a ding going to my youngest. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofPtj9c-b9ZfaqDjrtZr4QWvC2vcN_eZ58ro0FS4zvEYdjTr4MCOW1UYqHFdbaEH5AhfbGW8-k2GuWjv5HDR5qpXH_K6mqW5hfYxvNrUuvO-1pXi17-nESZvQO6E3Lnn2JeuphpR2OEM/s1600/photo-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofPtj9c-b9ZfaqDjrtZr4QWvC2vcN_eZ58ro0FS4zvEYdjTr4MCOW1UYqHFdbaEH5AhfbGW8-k2GuWjv5HDR5qpXH_K6mqW5hfYxvNrUuvO-1pXi17-nESZvQO6E3Lnn2JeuphpR2OEM/s200/photo-1.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was the child who had cried when we told her about the system and said she couldn't do it. This is my child who I do too much for and needs the system the most. This is my least responsible child and the one I worried about the most in implementing this. She was also the one who had jumped in with both feet and done an amazing job. She had surprised me and herself. And now I had to ding her. I almost didn't. Thoughts raced through my head and I began to rationalize, "she's done so well", but then the opposing thought said, "yes, but the point is that she understands that doing well means DOING WELL." Giving her a pass would be teaching her another very wrong lesson. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I quietly picked up the mess and wrote on the calendar.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> An hour went by before she noticed. And her response? Not the fit and crying and giving up I had expected. She said, "Oh Mom...I totally forgot that!" WHAT?? This caught me off guard. I am not sure why because parenting 101 teaches that if there are clear expectations then kids understand when they fall short. I still couldn't believe it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That happened with each child that first week. Each child had a ding and each child simply said, "Oh man!". But no child had the same ding twice. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As week one turned into week two I found I had more free time. I was planning things to do with the kids and in a much better mood. I had time to clean out the junk drawer and organize the pantry. These are things I NEVER had time to do before. I am still adjusting to my new time allowance. And the kids are still excited about earning money. They each printed flyers and sent out emails looking for extra jobs in the neighborhood to add to their jars. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to say I am impressed with my kids. They were capable of far more than I gave them credit for but I never saw it until I gave them the chance to do it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BUT every ding gives me pause. I have to bite my tongue not to remind them to do things. I have clearly enabled my children right into their entitlement. It's easy to sit around and complain about our kids' attitudes, but it is tough to look in the mirror and realize you are the one who helped them become this way. Doing things for them and giving them passes on obvious infractions is how we got here...and that buck has to stop with me. This system making me aware of my shortcomings...even though those shortcomings are out of love!</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be sure to look back at my other posts: "The Trap of Entitlement" and "The System" to catch up as we walk this walk together!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-90037940242228941612013-01-20T07:44:00.000-05:002013-02-27T17:28:59.994-05:00The Dew Chore System<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_-EBcEhtvpfog17xTyKIAdtDRmjfKeoEV3UXBtnVNPPI9_iWKq26NVvnpfZCB6icQGT1qcJkYwSHlJf23ZzHK0HBD8FWLqQJAzfzvYIEhrd5obiS73-vCc9-zaG2MIWthuFXHdJGrP1A/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_-EBcEhtvpfog17xTyKIAdtDRmjfKeoEV3UXBtnVNPPI9_iWKq26NVvnpfZCB6icQGT1qcJkYwSHlJf23ZzHK0HBD8FWLqQJAzfzvYIEhrd5obiS73-vCc9-zaG2MIWthuFXHdJGrP1A/s320/photo.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In my last post, "The Trap of Entitlement", I promised to detail the plan that my husband and I put into place to help us have some structure in our home to combat the entitlement that had set into our kids. Structure is probably the key word. You can read about why we decided to put this system in place at<a href="http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html"> http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html.</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband is a very systematic person and like they say, opposites attract. I am not systematic. I am a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. As a stay at home mom I do the majority of daily parenting in our household. So you may see where this is going. I am not consistant with my kids. I have gotten into the habit of telling them what to do and then either not following through with a consequence when it is not done or simply stepping in and doing it for them because it's easier...or at least I think at the moment it's easier. I also buy a lot for them. I have a hard line on some things like phones and electronics, but otherwise I want them to have the latest. And they are girls so I am partial to cute clothes, shoes and accessories. Basically my kids want for little and pay for nothing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u>THE PLAN</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Items Needed:</span><br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Large calendar (I used a vinyl wall calendar that adheres to the wall)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dry Erase Pens (including a red one)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A jar per kid</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One dollar bills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A chore list per kid</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Excel Spreadsheet (optional)</span></li>
</ol>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first thing we did was make a chore list for each girl that was age appropriate and that would teach them life skills. For example, our 14 year old is responsible for all the laundry. She has to have it done each week by a certain day and time so she can choose how she manages that task. Each girl has to plan and cook at least one meal a week. Our girls are 10, 11 and 14. I think kids as young as 4 or 5 can begin to help in the kitchen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other thing we did was pinpoint some of the chronic issues we have in our household. Most of my strife revolves around people not picking up after themselves. It is amazing that people can step over things and leave stuff strewn all over the house assuming that elves will come in the night and put it away. Oh...wait...that's right! I was the elf so of course they believe that! Part of each child's chore list was that they pick up after themselves. For example, if they make a sandwich in the kitchen, everything needs to be put away and the counter wiped. If that does not happen, there is a ding (more on that in a minute).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The final thing that we did was suspend cleaning services to the upstairs. Each girl was given rubber gloves and a toilet brush for their bathroom. The upstairs is their area and they are now responsible for keeping it clean. For us this will be Saturday morning clean up. They will vacuum and clean bathrooms. Their rooms should be clean from the week so it shouldn't be too bad of a chore, but I want them to each know how to dust and clean a bathroom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had a meeting with each child. We told them the amount of their monthly salary. We actually handed them the jar with the money in it. In the past we tried to do chores on a weekly system and we would forget to pay it out and the system fell apart before it got started. This time I went to the bank and took out several months of allowance in one dollar bills so that I would hold up my end of the bargain. There was also a mental twist that this was their money to lose. Each jar is sitting on the kitchen counter. The reason for the ones? The dings. Every time a chore is not done or items are left lying around the kids pay me to do that for them. I don't yell or nag, I simply take care of it and then go to the calendar and write in red, the amount of the "ding" and what it was for. At the end of each month we settle up. Each girl has to choose a charity and give 10% to charity or church. What is left is divided and half is put in a savings account and the other half is theirs to spend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The final part of this system is giving them opportunities to spend so that there is a need to earn. That means we, the parents, stop giving them everything. The girls now pay for all their own entertainment. They buy all birthday gifts for others. If we go out for yogurt, they pay for their own. We have even adopted a stipend system for eating out. When we eat out we will tell the kids how much of the meal we will cover, say $10 per child. If they stay under that amount their meal is free, but if they choose to go over and get dessert or something more expensive like a steak, then they pay the difference. That is a choice. They have control over their hard earned money.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The bottom line to the system is to create choices that will hopefully provide learning opportunities. Each child has a big ticket item that they are saving for and how fast they achieve that goal is based on their spending and saving habits. The other teaching opportunity is to get the kids understanding how hard it is to earn money and the value of the purchase. One of the other parts of our system is "EXTRA JOBS". These jobs are posted each month and paid out at a $5/hour rate or sometimes a job rate. At $5 an hour they are having to work hard to earn extra money in addition to their regular chores. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of you may think this is an intense and harsh system. It is amazing that the kids have jumped in whole heartedly. I know intuitively that kids love structure, but I am witnessing that in my home. They are excited to be earning their own money. I have had no complaints about the system at all which is phenomenal considering all the complaining that went on before when they were asked to do something. It is not the kids that are struggling...it's Mom. My next blog will talk about what I am learning about myself and my parenting.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-54197193764911670932013-01-16T16:00:00.003-05:002013-01-16T16:00:52.332-05:00The Trap of Entitlement<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>This blog post will be a series of posts that chronicle a parent's walk with their children out of the trap of entitlement. I don't know at this point if we will arrive, but I will be honest about the process. This is a real time experiment so the outcome is unknown. I hope that if you see yourself in this post you will be encouraged and inspired and that you will encourage me as well along the way. This is action and forward motion, but not a guarantee of outcome.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't really like New Year's Resolutions...mostly because I don't keep them very well. I am a great starter of things and a horrible finisher of things. That quality doesn't do well with resolutions, however this year I am motivated to do differently because of my children. My precious angels. You see this Christmas I realized that my precious ones had somehow come to believe that the world revolved around them. I have five children, two of whom are either late in their college career or gainfully employed. The other three are still at home and those children are the ones I am motivated by. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband and I are in our second marriage and blessed with a comfortable life. I didn't grow up with all the comforts that my children have, but with those privileges has come with another side that is not so charmed. Entitlement. One could argue that money doesn't make you entitled, attitude does. I will agree with that whole heartedly, but money makes the destination of entitlement an easier road to travel down. God warns us of this in I Timothy 6:10 where it states clearly that "money is the root of all evil". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How did MY kids become so entitled? They have no money! Hmmm...could this be me?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is a gift God gives us in blinding us to the shortcomings of our own offspring, but it is also a curse. I am a mom who watches for entitlement in my kids, but was still caught off guard by statements made around Christmas this year that had my parent antennae up and at alert. We have a 14 year old who decided that this year she was only going to use a $50 gift card (which was given to her as a gift) to buy her gifts for everyone in our family. In principle I don't have a problem spending only $50, but it was her attitude about this card. The way she would say in her self righteous teenage voice, "Everyone will just have to deal with that". UGH!! Whose child was this? My sweet girl who would hand make gifts and worry about them just a few years ago was making her own Christmas list with hardly an item UNDER $50, but telling others to "deal". That was our first warning bell. This was followed by my younger daughter asking me when the cleaning lady was coming so she didn't have to pick up her room. WHAT?? There are so many more incidents that I am actually too embarrassed to write. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband and I called an emergency parent meeting and spent a large part of Christmas break discussing the issue of entitlement that we were noticing in our kids. We noted that they were doing little around the house except when coerced and nagged. We also noted that I had been on a downward spiral and in a bad mood for several months. I felt I was always fussing or yelling at someone OR I was picking up after my angels and resenting and fuming. Either way makes Mommy in a bad mood. When I wasn't cleaning up, I was driving to practices or play dates or cooking or refereeing, and then coming home to a house in disarray. Everything revolved either directly or indirectly around the kids. Something had to give.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband is in the business of employment and owns his own company. Like any good man, he went to his strength of fixing things and together we came up with a plan that begins to address the entitlement and hopefully instills some fiscal responsibility in our children. The key to this plan is enforcement. I will detail the plan in my next post, but basically it involves chores, allowance and "dings". It also involves creating opportunities for spending choices. This plan involves a lot of choice. Each child has control and with that control they own their choices...good and bad. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are nearing the end of week two and I will tell you that I have learned a lot about myself and each of my children. The answer to the question, "Is this my doing?"...the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I will talk about that as I go, but suffice it to say I have a bad habit of rescuing my children and in doing so keeping them from learning the tough lessons in life that we all have to learn. This system has been hardest on me I think. The kids are doing great and my house is cleaner than it has been in years, but I have had to take a deep look into why it is so hard for me to "ding" my kids. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If this sounds like a familiar story please follow along. So many moms I have talked to resonate with our problem and we can all draw strength from one another. Buckle up!!</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-53800597934385370052012-10-25T11:41:00.000-04:002012-10-25T21:52:14.005-04:00Being Great in the Small Things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My daughter recently told me she wanted to be something great when she was older. She's 11 now. My advice to her was right on, but I have to admit it is something that I struggle with to this day. So since I struggle to take my own advice I thought you might struggle with it as well. You see I want to be great too....and I am a grown up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My advice on being great is simple. It is to do the little things well. It is to make every decision count no matter how small. Make every day intentional. Use the time God has given you on the earth to do all things well--even the insignificant. Sounds great...right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In my prayer time this morning I was telling God how I just had had no time lately and felt overwhelmed with time constraint when before my eyes flashed the Facebook logo, the Twitter logo, my new Google Plus account and that all consuming Pinterest site that has my attention to see what Holiday decor I need to be planning. I had to repent. I had to confess that, in fact, I have more time than I would like to admit, but how I spend it might not be as God honoring as I would hope. I am missing the small things by doing my own things. The decision to stay on social media takes time from other areas of my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What would my day look like if I woke and thought "What does God want to use me to do today?" What if the answer was to stay home and catch up on my laundry because God knows that tomorrow I will get a call from a friend in crisis and my whole day will be spent there? What if God knows my husband really needs the laundry done because he is stressed at work and it makes him feel good to see all of his t-shirts in his drawer when he gets home? I don't know about you, but my "God complex" makes me only want to do the great things. I don't want to do the mundane. I want to sit the bench and wait on God to call me in for something great! Maybe God is waiting for me to get off of Facebook and seek out His plan for my day. With so many distractions in our world finding time to "fit God in" is becoming harder and harder. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I find it interesting that after Saul met Jesus on the Road to Damascus that he jumped in with both feet preaching in the local Synagogues where he was promptly run out of town. Paul was use to going big or going home. God sent him home and Paul spent nearly ten years in virtual isolation. I wonder if Paul's ego was still like his former Saul-self? I wonder if in benching Paul for a decade God was trying to teach him not only the scriptures, but a great personal lesson as well? Did the church shrink in those ten years? Nope. It had great growth. Did God NEED Paul? Nope. God could get it done on his own. Could God use a man like Paul? Absolutely. But Paul learned that God will get His plan done with or without Paul. God needed obedience and a humble willing heart. He needed him to go to these places to preach, but also build congregations which meant doing some of the mundane. Paul didn't take money for his time planting churches so he made tents to earn a living. Paul's line in Philippians about "doing all things through Christ who strengthens me" has nothing to do with football (although that is where I see it most these days). It has to do with surviving on little or much. It is about contentment. Am I content in the mundane or am I just a glory hog? Am I still my 11 year old self that wants to be great?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't want to go to a desert or be banished to learn these lessons. I want to learn from Paul. I am to do the planting or the watering and let God do the growing. Obedience in the small things of life and doing those well may lead to big things or maybe not, but the goal is God's glory...not mine. BUT</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> out of God's glory comes my fulfillment. Being used by God under His terms is the greatest job on earth. Don't get caught up in comparing with others, just keep your head down in doing what God called YOU to do today. If it is laundry, then get out the Tide. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-38273384732432683142012-10-22T19:46:00.000-04:002012-10-22T19:46:09.233-04:00Cleaning Out The Closet: Part 2
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<span style="background: white; color: #254e00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">How to begin when my
emotional closet is so full? One thing at a time is how we start with our
physical closets. It takes time and intentionality to clean out our literal
closets. The same goes for our emotional closets as well.</span><span style="color: #254e00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
First of all, we have to open the closets in our life. We have to be courageous
enough to look under our emotional bed and face the clutter that is there. Some
have locked that closet and thrown away the key. For many the resentment of
someone or the righteous anger is so ingrained in us to throw it out would be
to lose a part of who we are. </span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
For example, I know a man whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. This
best friend turned on my friend and began to spread terrible rumors and
untruths. He was sly though and the wife never saw that side of her new love.
My friend was bitter. He was wounded so deeply that he could not let this
injustice go. He could admit that he had not been a perfect husband, but he
endured many lies and hateful words throughout this ordeal that kept him
reeling. He put that self righteous anger in the closet. He had been done wrong
on so many levels. He never got an apology from either of the offending
parties. It was a dark and lonely time. The years went on and from time to time
he would get this injustice out and she would feel all over again the righteous
indignation that he felt in the beginning. It felt good to be right. But what he
could not see is that every time he mulled that over he was also becoming
bitter. This event in his life, because he didn't let it go and put it in the
closet, was spawning other clutter that was even tougher to let go of. So
now, when he goes to the emotional closet to do some purging it feels
overwhelming so he closes the door and walks away. And the feelings of hurt and
bitterness and anger and righteousness stay with him.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
Why? What's the solution? No doubt this man was wronged and wounded by her
closest friend and lover. But how could he have avoided the clutter nearly ten
years later?</span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
It starts with remembering who we are. We are sinners. In situations like I
described above where the sin is open and "big" it is easy to point
fingers, but at the foot of the cross all sin is equal. If it was not so then
we could all walk around with measuring sticks. I could feel good about myself
because my sin is not as bad as yours. I may gossip from time to time, but I
would NEVER cheat on my husband. But my gossip can be just as wounding as a
cheating spouse. My gossip is a betrayal just like cheating. God judges it all
the same. Sin is sin.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
Romans 2:1 says "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on
someone else for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning
yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." ----OUCH!</span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
Coming face to face with who WE are as a sinner in our own life shaves away at
the self righteousness we can feel when we are "done wrong".
Sometimes (okay...a lot of times) I am way more interested in sifting through
your closet and looking at your sins than doing my own cleaning out. </span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
Back to my friend. When we look at ourselves honestly in light of the cross
what leg do we have to stand on to not forgive someone else? Satan loves an
unforgiving spirit that is stored away in our emotional closet because then he
can create bitterness so much easier. Each of those stands in the way of a true
view of the Cross. </span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
Confess and deal with your own sin and responsibility in your relationships.
Grieve the losses and the wounds both that you caused and that were done to
you. Spend <u>time </u>with Jesus hashing it out and be honest. He will
take even your feeble attempts and make good with them. </span><br />
<span style="background: white;"><br />
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<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-3918361238948903542012-10-17T18:34:00.000-04:002012-10-17T18:34:36.479-04:00Bullying or Meanness...and does it matter?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been asked to speak to my children's school staff on the topic of bullying vs. meanness. This is a topic that has gotten a lot of press and conversation over the last few years starting with the Columbine shootings. As I gather my thoughts and do my research I would like to hear from some of you about your own experiences with bullying no matter which side you may have been on at the time. Maybe you are a parent with a child who is experiencing bullying or maybe you realize that you were a bully.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you think that bullying is a word that is overused? Do you think that sometimes kids are just mean and that doesn't make them a bully? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Stopbullying.gov says this about the definition of bullying:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 5px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:</span></div>
<ul style="background-color: white; list-style-image: url(http://www.stopbullying.gov/images/sys_images/listarrow.png); margin: 0px; padding: 20px 0px 0px 38px;" type="disc">
<li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px 5px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.</span></li>
<li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px 5px;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 5px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 5px; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The imbalance of power is the key followed by the repetition. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have the incidents gone up in the last few years or are we more aware? Does the blame lie with the parents? Are we raising entitled and unempathetic children? How do we cut down on the bullying? Or is it kids being kids? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to hear from you! Your thoughts and experiences! </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-30398210369665792312012-10-15T09:28:00.001-04:002012-10-15T10:08:30.262-04:00Cleaning out the Closets<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCc4j_59UqNBfbUJ51yCF6xNFfYKeT6qDNwWHK0OXaQeqbqNTmAQ1mPfsZvZicCzZ7l8F_loEbryJfbfVrjF7FV1sxu979F87ipBzKF2BYL5sHzuktzN0kCZHjFKkvrkqEzN41RTwUXM4/s1600/Cluttered_Closet.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCc4j_59UqNBfbUJ51yCF6xNFfYKeT6qDNwWHK0OXaQeqbqNTmAQ1mPfsZvZicCzZ7l8F_loEbryJfbfVrjF7FV1sxu979F87ipBzKF2BYL5sHzuktzN0kCZHjFKkvrkqEzN41RTwUXM4/s200/Cluttered_Closet.jpeg" width="198" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What if you had a dinner party for several couples most of whom you did not know and you opened every closet and drawer in your home as it is RIGHT now? No straightening, no cleaning...as it stands. For some of my super organized friends that is perfectly fine, but for the vast majority of us that strikes fear and makes stomachs turn. I know it does for me. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you are like me when I have guests over I have a few places that are off limits and that is where the last minute clutter lives. The main part of my house is beautiful and clean. The candles are lit and the decorations are out, but if you walk into the closet under my stairs things might fall out on you. I, for one, would be mortified to open every closet and every drawer for people I don't know and even for some that I do know. I want you to have the impression that my party-ready house is my everyday house. And isn't it that way with our emotional clutter too? Don't we want people to think our church self or our party self is our true self? How many times have you seen couples in social settings and thought, "Wow...they really have it together" only to find out they are divorcing? They were projecting their party ready self and hiding the truth in the closets and drawers.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But in my life, Jesus already knows about my secret closet where I hide my anger and resentment. He knows about the drawer where my jealousy lives side by side with my insecurity. He has seen under my bed where I keep my critical spirit and self righteousness. Now I would never trot those things out at the dinner party just like I don't want you to accidentally open the junk drawer or walk into the laundry room where stacks of dirty clothes live. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think I am doing a great job of hiding all the mess in my life, but it leaks out. At first only my family sees my secrets, but slowly over time if I am not confessing and facing those closets and cleaning them out before God the mess begins to spill out into the living spaces of my life. Just like closets in our home, the closets of our life can only hold so much clutter. We have to clean them out which means opening them and looking through the stuff. That can feel scary and overwhelming.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whatever clutter you have in your life closet just start with one thing and sit with that one thing before God who already has a detailed inventory anyway. Confess it and ask for His strength in throwing it out. Don't be an emotional hoarder!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Psalms 139:1-15</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">You
have searched me,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">and you know</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">me.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">You know when I sit and when I rise;</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">you perceive my thoughts</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">from afar.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">You discern my going out</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="text">and my lying down;</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">you are familiar with
all my ways.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">Before a word is on my tongue</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">you,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="small-caps"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">, know
it completely.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">You hem me in</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="text">behind and before,</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">and you lay your hand
upon me.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">too lofty</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">for me to attain.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="line" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">Where
can I go from your Spirit?</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">Where can I flee</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">from your presence?</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">If I go up to the heavens,</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="text">you are there;</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">if I make my bed</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">in the depths, you are there.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">If I rise on the wings of the dawn,</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">if I settle on the far
side of the sea,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="text"><b><sup><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></sup></b></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">even there your hand
will guide me,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">your right hand</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">will hold me fast.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">and the light become
night around me,”</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span class="text">even the darkness will not be dark</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="text">to you;</span><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">the night will shine
like the day,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">for darkness is as light
to you.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="line" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span class="text"><b><sup><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></sup></b></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">For you
created my inmost being;</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">you knit me together</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">in my mother’s womb.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="text"><b><sup><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></sup></b></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">I praise you</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">your works are wonderful,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">I know that full well.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="text"><b><sup><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></sup></b></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">My frame was not hidden
from you</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">when I was made</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">in the secret place,</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">when I was woven together</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">in the depths of the earth.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="text"><b><sup><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></sup></b></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">Your eyes saw my
unformed body;</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">all the days ordained</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">for me were written in your book</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
</span><span class="indent-1-breaks"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 5pt;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">before one of them came
to be.</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-20699606308141639102012-10-13T08:07:00.003-04:002012-10-17T10:07:59.510-04:00Fear<span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so afraid of what people will think of me. It is a quality that is good in some regards and limiting in most every other way. It makes me polite and keeps my social graces in tact, but it also holds me back. Putting this blog out is one of the ways that I am working to overcome that fear. These are MY thoughts and MY words and my prayer over this blog is that it is touching and encouraging to someONE, but it might not be to EVERYone. However, in truth...I want EVERYone to LOVE my thoughts and my words. Why? Because that somehow validates me and makes me feel good. Because sometimes (okay...a lot of times) I get caught up in being defined by what I do and what people think of me instead of what GOD did FOR me.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Charis SIL, charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Charis SIL, charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am who and what I am because I have a God who loved me so much that He was willing to die for me and without that I am nothing. I know that, but in doing life, I forget that and I start to buy the lie that I am who I am because of what all I have accomplished and done in my life. The flip side of that thought process is that when I don't accomplish something or I fail my worth goes down, depression sets in and I am on a downward spiral in my thinking. This kind of thinking leads to fear. When I tie my worth and my identity to what I DO instead of who God IS then I set myself up for disappointment and faulty thinking which can lead to bad decisions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Charis SIL, charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><i><span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">...take </span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">captive</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> every </span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">thought</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> to make it obedient to Christ.-2 Corinthians 10:5</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">If we can master this (or even just begin to practice it), there is so much peace in giving our thoughts to God, but why is it is so so hard to do what this verse says? EVERY thought?...all those negative thoughts when I am cleaning up after someone AGAIN or feeling righteously angry over a TRUE injustice? EVERY thought when I am not getting from my husband what I need? EVERY thought when a friend is distancing herself? Yes, God wants it all. I have had times in my life where I was so righteously angry, where I knew I was so right that I needed to give it to God and I just wanted to hold it another day because doesn't it feel good to be right? When I finally prayed about it I told God I don't want to give this to you, I want to stay mad, I don't care, but God is so good that he took my pathetic confession and worked in my heart anyway. He began to remind me of my own sin and I fought it off..."No Lord, but you don't understand" and He put thoughts in front of me of my own shortcomings and by the end of my prayer I knew that even though I was right...I was far from righteous and therefore I was wrong. Fear of man and lack of faith in the God who knows us and created us is backward thinking that will hold us back and trap us in faulty thinking.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Fear</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">of</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">man</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.- Proverbs 25:29</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-21091848770761984002012-10-05T16:11:00.002-04:002012-10-05T16:11:34.337-04:00Hard Decisions in Blending a Family<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my husband and I first talked about getting married and blending five kids with an age gap of 13 years it actually sounded like a great adventure. The Brady Bunch minus one. But the reality has been much different...first of all there was no Alice!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will start our story at the beginning. We actually have an easy beginning. Our children liked the person we were marrying and they liked each other. No child had a significant issue at the time and all were pretty good kids. We had BEST case scenario. So many of you out there have issues with children not liking the person that you love or not liking the children of the person you love. That complicates it even more! Even in our best case scenario we had hard decisions that helped make things better in the long run but were hard calls in the short term. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first big decision a blended family faces is where to live. There may be some that disagree with me but I am passionate that the best start for most new families is a fresh start. That means selling homes and starting in a new home that is <u>this new</u> family's home. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Blended families have a natural dividing line that exists along bloodlines and staying in one of the existing houses maintains that divide longer than need be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So many blended families justify staying in one spouse's house for financial reasons which can make for an awkward start to a new life. If this house was shared with a former spouse there are memories there for the kids and for you...even if you repaint. If the husband is moving into the wife's house and he brings his children into that house then it is always "her" house. Staying in one person's house makes it tougher to get over the natural division lines that exist in blended families. A new house and new surroundings helps with a fresh clean start for everyone. Everyone is in a new place, not just half. I know in this housing market and economy that cannot always happen, but I would encourage you to look at it seriously and pray about it diligently. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Balancing the emotions of the kids while blending is hard. Moving will bring up a lot of emotions both positive and negative. Our decision to move was heart wrenching for me because I had brought both my children into this house as babies and my ex-husband and I had redone this beautiful old home together. My heart and soul was in this house. Okay...all the more reason to move. Just because it was hard didn't mean it wasn't right. I could list a thousand reasons why everyone should have moved to my house. In the end I had to think of the long run and the larger goal. It wasn't just about my kids anymore. It was about everyone's comfort. Making sure everyone felt good about our new start. At least this way ALL the kids were being uprooted and it gave us a common goal: REDECORATE! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We bought a house that was not too close to either of our old neighborhoods and we started out as the Dews. No one in our new neighborhood knew us any other way. It was nice. It was right. All the kids got to pick their room colors and we had a fun time making this new house our home. Three years later this IS home. We all had to make new friends (including Mom and Dad) and we all had to adjust together. It was tough, but that decision was still one of our best. I have never prayed like I prayed about where to start our family. My husband will tell you that the night before we made the offer on the house we are in now was one of the most gut wrenching nights ever, but the next morning we knew. I have never looked back. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This first decision was one of many hard sacrificial decisions we have made as a couple for our family. It was filled with tears and stomach aches, but in the long run it has proven to be what we had hoped...unifying. In blending that is always the ultimate goal...unity! And each decision for a newly blended family has to be one of self sacrifice for the whole. It is hard when you feel that maybe your side of the family is giving more than the other, but if you keep communicating with your spouse and fighting the urge to protect "your side", but look for the win-win, the decisions may not be any easier but the outcomes will be sweeter because each step will have been intentional. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-15564730426142012342012-09-26T08:39:00.000-04:002012-09-26T08:40:12.222-04:00Parenting Through a Crisis...and Beyond<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to start this post by stating without at doubt and so everyone hears me clearly I AM NO PARENTING EXPERT. If there ever has been anything I have done in my life that has humbled me more...it is parenting. Just when I think I have it under control the rug gets ripped from beneath my expert parenting ways and I find myself looking at the wall asking God, "what now?". There was never a time I felt this more than when my husband left and I had two small children. We separated twice in their young lives, but the final time was when Emma Kate was 4 and Meg had just turned 3. Those were dark days and I am sad to say that the girls got whatever was left of me and not my first fruits. I was just surviving.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have a friend that I am watching now go through a similar situation. She has lost her husband and is left with five children under the age of 12 and a business to run that she has no idea how to run. Until now, she has home schooled four out of the five and has been a stay-at-home mom. She now finds herself meeting with attorneys and banks and CPAs and trying to figure out how to salvage the business that provides for her family. She also feels that she is giving her kids the leftovers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In situations where we as parents are grieving it is hard to give to our kids. We do because that is who we are. We are still Mommy and still Daddy, but we are overwhelmed with our own emotions. We try to be strong in front of them and grieve alone, but they are smarter than we think. Even a baby can tell when Mommy just isn't herself. There is a temptation in these situations to give a little more to the kids and slack up a bit and that is certainly what I did. I would say to anyone in a crisis to fight that feeling. If there was ever a time your kids need structure and rules it is now. They need to know that if yesterday fighting with their brother got them put in their room that today that is also the case. You see their world is set up by your rules and boundaries for them. If sassy talk gets them alone time or an earlier bedtime then that is still the rule. Easier said than done. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we are in a crisis and we feel that we are giving our kids our leftovers our guilt says to ease up on them. Or that their acting out is because of the situation the family finds themselves in. Sometimes that may be true, but truer than that is a testing of the boundaries that kids do naturally when they feel their world tilting. The best thing you can do as a parent is reassure them by being the Mom or Dad that you were the day before your crisis. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now here is the honest part...I know all of this because I didn't do this always. As a single mom I gave in and I moved boundaries and I parented from fear and guilt. And I reaped what I sowed. I had 2 little girls who were not always well behaved and took advantage of their mother. This became glaringly apparent when I met my husband and we blended our family. I continue to deal with behavior in my girls that was cemented in those days of single parenthood. I will tell you...it is much harder now to go back and undo at 10 and 11 than it would have been to have just stayed the course at 3 and 4. What keeps me on track now is that it is easier to get this in hand at 10 and 11 than it will be at 15 and 16. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been int that place where I was too tired to get up and make the girls do what I had asked so they win by my lack of follow through. As their primary parent what am I teaching them? If they can outlast me, they get their way. In a bigger context what am I teaching them about obedience to God and other authority figures? The same. If my child sasses me and makes me feel guilty because she knows how to push my buttons and I give her what she wants instead of what she needs, what have I taught her? Manipulation works. I know all of this because I have taught my girls all of those things by the way I have parented them. By God's grace I am working to undo those mistakes now, but if I can encourage any of you who are in the early stages of crisis, please don't make the same mistakes I made. It is a slow fade, but guilt and fear and not your friends in parenting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you have a crisis in your life, divorce, death of a spouse, loss of a child, financial difficulties that change your lifestyle...don't let it change your parenting. Kids need boundaries and rules. It is how they feel safe and if there are none or they shift then the kids don't feel as safe. So in a crisis the BEST thing you can do for your child is to strengthen the rules and boundaries. It is also the hardest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother--which is the FIRST commandment with a promise--that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on earth"</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By not asking for obedience and honor from our children we are stripping them of the promise that it may go well with them.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2820358111392428202.post-10682714790891121282012-09-24T10:08:00.000-04:002012-09-24T10:08:17.606-04:00Do I Even Have Anything to Blog About?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> It seems like everyone is blogging these days. My daughter has a blog, my husband has a blog; even my 66 year old father is blogging. So I decided, so as not to be left behind, I would start a blog too. I mean, come on, all these people can do it...so can I! As I looked at the blank page with the cursor blinking at me, begging me to type something, I realized...I don't have anything to blog about. I guess I will start this blog telling you a little about me and how it is that I feel this need to blog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a Christian. I was born into a family with a long line of faith. My grandfather was a preacher and my dad was a deacon. My mom taught Sunday school and we were in church every time the doors were open. I cannot ever remember a time God was not present in our home, but I also feel that I have always had a special connection to God since I was little. He has been a real and present force on my life always. I have not always responded to that force, but He is true to His word...He has never left me or forsaken me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a wife and an ex-wife. I have an amazing husband that loves me more than I deserve and gives me more grace than I could ever ask for. He is my best friend and closest confidant. He makes me laugh, he challenges me and he makes me crazy when he doesn't pick up his cups from a thousand places around the house. I have an ex-husband who is a good dad to the girls and makes our parenting relationship pretty easy....most of the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a 41 year old mother of two beautiful daughters and a bonus mom to 3 wonderful bonus kids. Our family is not unique in this day and age as we are a blended one. As most families who are blended we arrived here through a series of painful events that led us to a union that has its own ups and downs. Blending families is not for the faint of heart or for the faithless. One of the topics I will blog on the most will be honest reflections on a blended family. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a Master's student in seminary. I am working on my Master's in Christian Counseling through seminary. It has been a long road and I am a little past the half way point. With God's grace I will one day be done!! This journey has challenged and strengthened my faith in ways I could not have imagined. Each class I take seems to have so much life application for what is going on in my own struggles. Funny how God is always getting my attention.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have decided to write this blog because my life experience is not unique. I am all those things above, but I am just a girl (see...I still think of myself as a girl) getting through life trying to make right decisions, raise kids, keep the peace and love my husband in a way that makes him feel special all while trying to get my own needs met. I am every woman. I feel fat sometimes, I don't exercise enough, I eat bad more than I should, I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband, I have hateful thoughts about people that I actually love. I am a sinner. I am every woman. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My goal in this blog is to be real. Women are bad about comparing themselves to others to make themselves feel better. I don't need a study to tell me this. I am a woman who does this, I see all my friends do this and I have four daughters who already do this. I want this blog to strip away my need to please and be perfect. I mess up daily, hourly sometimes and I want that to be reflected here so that if one person sees God's grace in my crazy world then He will be glorified. I am just a girl, trying to get through the life God created for me. Some days I win some and some days I lose!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks for sharing my journey as I Dew life!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shannon Dew</span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06177612503367563241noreply@blogger.com1