Friday, October 5, 2012

Hard Decisions in Blending a Family

When my husband and I first talked about getting married and blending five kids with an age gap of 13 years it actually sounded like a great adventure. The Brady Bunch minus one. But the reality has been much different...first of all there was no Alice!!

I will start our story at the beginning. We actually have an easy beginning. Our children liked the person we were marrying and they liked each other. No child had a significant issue at the time and all were pretty good kids. We had BEST case scenario. So many of you out there have issues with children not liking the person that you love or not liking the children of the person you love. That complicates it even more! Even in our best case scenario we had hard decisions that helped make things better in the long run but were hard calls in the short term. 

To Move or Not to Move

The first big decision a blended family faces is where to live. There may be some that disagree with me but I am passionate that the best start for most new families is a fresh start. That means selling homes and starting in a new home that is this new family's home. Blended families have a natural dividing line that exists along bloodlines and staying in one of the existing houses maintains that divide longer than need be. 

So many blended families justify staying in one spouse's house for financial reasons which can make for an awkward start to a new life. If this house was shared with a former spouse there are memories there for the kids and for you...even if you repaint. If the husband is moving into the wife's house and he brings his children into that house then it is always "her" house. Staying in one person's house makes it tougher to get over the natural division lines that exist in blended families.  A new house and new surroundings helps with a fresh clean start for everyone. Everyone is in a new place, not just half. I know in this housing market and economy that cannot always happen, but I would encourage you to look at it seriously and pray about it diligently. 

Balancing the emotions of the kids while blending is hard. Moving will bring up a lot of emotions both positive and negative. Our decision to move was heart wrenching for me because I had brought both my children into this house as babies and my ex-husband and I had redone this beautiful old home together. My heart and soul was in this house. Okay...all the more reason to move. Just because it was hard didn't mean it wasn't right. I could list a thousand reasons why everyone should have moved to my house. In the end I had to think of the long run and the larger goal. It wasn't just about my kids anymore. It was about everyone's comfort. Making sure everyone felt good about our new start. At least this way ALL the kids were being uprooted and it gave us a common goal: REDECORATE! 

We bought a house that was not too close to either of our old neighborhoods and we started out as the Dews. No one in our new neighborhood knew us any other way. It was nice. It was right. All the kids got to pick their room colors and we had a fun time making this new house our home. Three years later this IS home. We all had to make new friends (including Mom and Dad) and we all had to adjust together. It was tough, but that decision was still one of our best. I have never prayed like I prayed about where to start our family. My husband will tell you that the night before we made the offer on the house we are in now was one of the most gut wrenching nights ever, but the next morning we knew. I have never looked back. 

This first decision was one of many hard sacrificial decisions we have made as a couple for  our family. It was filled with tears and stomach aches, but in the long run it has proven to be what we had hoped...unifying. In blending that is always the ultimate goal...unity! And each decision for a newly blended family has to be one of self sacrifice for the whole. It is hard when you feel that maybe your side of the family is giving more than the other, but if you keep communicating with your spouse and fighting the urge to protect "your side", but look for the win-win, the decisions may not be any easier but the outcomes will be sweeter because each step will have been intentional.