Saturday, October 13, 2012

Fear

I am so afraid of what people will think of me. It is a quality that is good in some regards and limiting in most every other way. It makes me polite and keeps my social graces in tact, but it also holds me back. Putting this blog out is one of the ways that I am working to overcome that fear. These are MY thoughts and MY words and my prayer over this blog is that it is touching and encouraging to someONE, but it might not be to EVERYone. However, in truth...I want EVERYone to LOVE my thoughts and my words. Why? Because that somehow validates me and makes me feel good. Because sometimes (okay...a lot of times) I get caught up in being defined by what I do and what people think of me instead of what GOD did FOR me.

I am who and what I am because I have a God who loved me so much that He was willing to die for me and without that I am nothing. I know that, but in doing life, I forget that and I start to buy the lie that I am who I am because of what all I have accomplished and done in my life. The flip side of that thought process is that when I don't accomplish something or I fail my worth goes down, depression sets in and I am on a downward spiral in my thinking. This kind of thinking leads to fear. When I tie my worth and my identity to what I DO instead of who God IS then I set myself up for disappointment and faulty thinking which can lead to bad decisions.

...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.-2 Corinthians 10:5

If we can master this (or even just begin to practice it), there is so much peace in giving our thoughts to God, but why is it is so so hard to do what this verse says? EVERY thought?...all those negative thoughts when I am cleaning up after someone AGAIN or feeling righteously angry over a TRUE injustice? EVERY thought when I am not getting from my husband what I need? EVERY thought when a friend is distancing herself? Yes, God wants it all. I have had times in my life where I was so righteously angry, where I knew I was so right that I needed to give it to God and I just wanted to hold it another day because doesn't it feel good to be right? When I finally prayed about it I told God I don't want to give this to you, I want to stay mad, I don't care, but God is so good that he took my pathetic confession and worked in my heart anyway. He began to remind me of my own sin and I fought it off..."No Lord, but you don't understand" and He put thoughts in front of me of my own shortcomings and by the end of my prayer I knew that even though  I was right...I was far from righteous and therefore I was wrong. Fear of man and lack of faith in the God who knows us and created us is backward thinking that will hold us back and trap us in faulty thinking.  

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.- Proverbs 25:29