Monday, January 21, 2013

Maybe It Was Me All Along




This post was written at the two week mark!

We are now two weeks in to our new chore/responsibility system with our girls and it is amazing how much I have struggled during these two weeks. 

When we put the system in place and met with each child, they were excited and so was I. They jumped into the plan and it was AMAZING the difference in the cleanliness of our house. Just by them each picking up after themselves I found I had to find a new morning routine. Usually I would get up each morning and pick up blankets and shoes from around the den, pile them on the stairs for each child and then straighten the kitchen counters. I am a morning person and not a night person so this was my routine. 

Now, all blankets were folded and pillows in place on the sofa. There were no shoes and the kitchen was neat as a pin. The stairs where I normally place things to go up (which never went up without multiple reminders) were clear. That first morning I wandered around a little lost. Would I finally have time for morning quiet time? One would think I would have jumped for joy...and I did a little, but there was a nagging in my heart I couldn't quite pin down.

The week wore on and I witnessed each child really stepping up to the plate. We had great meals that they were proud of and moments of me being able to teach them kitchen tricks. Our dogs were being walked on a daily basis and some of the girls were even getting up on their own to do it before school as they learned to manage their time. I was amazed and yet still felt the nagging.

Then came the moment that the first "ding" occurred and I realized the nagging had been the dread of this moment. The kids had done an amazing job all week. We all knew that dings would happen and we talked about that in our meetings with them when we started. We talked about this not being a perfection and competition system and that they should expect dings. But now was the moment of truth. One child had gotten a bandaid out of the laundry room and when I walked in, the doors were open to 2 cabinets, the box was lying on the counter with bandaids pouring out of it with the remnants of the chosen bandaid lying beside the box. This was an obvious ding. And this was a ding going to my youngest. 

This was the child who had cried when we told her about the system and said she couldn't do it. This is my child who I do too much for and needs the system the most. This is my least responsible child and the one I worried about the most in implementing this. She was also the one who had jumped in with both feet and done an amazing job. She had surprised me and herself. And now I had to ding her. I almost didn't. Thoughts raced through my head and I began to rationalize, "she's done so well", but then the opposing thought said, "yes, but the point is that she understands that doing well means DOING WELL." Giving her a pass would be teaching her another very wrong lesson. I quietly picked up the mess and wrote on the calendar. An hour went by before she noticed. And her response? Not the fit and crying and giving up I had expected. She said, "Oh Mom...I totally forgot that!" WHAT?? This caught me off guard. I am not sure why because parenting 101 teaches that if there are clear expectations then kids understand when they fall short. I still couldn't believe it. 

That happened with each child that first week. Each child had a ding and each child simply said, "Oh man!". But no child had the same ding twice. 

As week one turned into week two I found I had more free time. I was planning things to do with the kids and in a much better mood. I had time to clean out the junk drawer and organize the pantry. These are things I NEVER had time to do before. I am still adjusting to my new time allowance. And the kids are still excited about earning money. They each printed flyers and sent out emails looking for extra jobs in the neighborhood to add to their jars. 

I have to say I am impressed with my kids. They were capable of far more than I gave them credit for but I never saw it until I gave them the chance to do it! 

BUT every ding gives me pause. I have to bite my tongue not to remind them to do things. I have clearly enabled my children right into their entitlement. It's easy to sit around and complain about our kids' attitudes, but it is tough to look in the mirror and realize you are the one who helped them become this way. Doing things for them and giving them passes on obvious infractions is how we got here...and that buck has to stop with me. This system making me aware of my shortcomings...even though those shortcomings are out of love!

Be sure to look back at my other posts: "The Trap of Entitlement" and "The System" to catch up as we walk this walk together!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Dew Chore System



In my last post, "The Trap of Entitlement",  I promised to detail the plan that my husband and I put into place to help us have some structure in our home to combat the entitlement that had set into our kids. Structure is probably the key word. You can read about why we decided to put this system in place at http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html.

My husband is a very systematic person and like they say, opposites attract. I am not systematic. I am a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. As a stay at home mom I do the majority of daily parenting in our household. So you may see where this is going. I am not consistant with my kids. I have gotten into the habit of telling them what to do and then either not following through with a consequence when it is not done or simply stepping in and doing it for them because it's easier...or at least I think at the moment it's easier. I also buy a lot for them. I have a hard line on some things like phones and electronics, but otherwise I want them to have the latest. And they are girls so I am partial to cute clothes, shoes and accessories. Basically my kids want for little and pay for nothing. 

THE PLAN

Items Needed:

  1. Large calendar (I used a vinyl wall calendar that adheres to the wall)
  2. Dry Erase Pens (including a red one)
  3. A jar per kid
  4. One dollar bills
  5. A chore list per kid
  6. Excel Spreadsheet (optional)
The first thing we did was make a chore list for each girl that was age appropriate and that would teach them life skills. For example, our 14 year old is responsible for all the laundry. She has to have it done each week by a certain day and time so she can choose how she manages that task. Each girl has to plan and cook at least one meal a week. Our girls are 10, 11 and 14. I think kids as young as 4 or 5 can begin to help in the kitchen. 

The other thing we did was pinpoint some of the chronic issues we have in our household. Most of my strife revolves around people not picking up after themselves. It is amazing that people can step over things and leave stuff strewn all over the house assuming that elves will come in the night and put it away. Oh...wait...that's right! I was the elf so of course they believe that! Part of each child's chore list was that they pick up after themselves. For example, if they make a sandwich in the kitchen, everything needs to be put away and the counter wiped. If that does not happen, there is a ding (more on that in a minute).

The final thing that we did was suspend cleaning services to the upstairs. Each girl was given rubber gloves and a toilet brush for their bathroom. The upstairs is their area and they are now responsible for keeping it clean. For us this will be Saturday morning clean up. They will vacuum and clean bathrooms. Their rooms should be clean from the week so it shouldn't be too bad of a chore, but I want them to each know how to dust and clean a bathroom. 

We had a meeting with each child. We told them the amount of their monthly salary. We actually handed them the jar with the money  in it. In the past we tried to do chores on a weekly system and we would forget to pay it out and the system fell apart before it got started. This time I went to the bank and took out several months of allowance in one dollar bills so that I would hold up my end of the bargain. There was also a mental twist that this was their money to lose. Each jar is sitting on the kitchen counter. The reason for the ones? The dings. Every time a chore is not done or items are left lying around the kids pay me to do that for them. I don't yell or nag, I simply take care of it and then go to the calendar and write in red, the amount of the "ding" and what it was for. At the end of each month we settle up. Each girl has to choose a charity and give 10% to charity or church. What is left is divided and half is put in a savings account and the other half is theirs to spend. 

The final part of this system is giving them opportunities to spend so that there is a need to earn. That means we, the parents, stop giving them everything. The girls now pay for all their own entertainment. They buy all birthday gifts for others. If we go out for yogurt, they pay for their own. We have even adopted a stipend system for eating out. When we eat out we will tell the kids how much of the meal we will cover, say $10 per child. If they stay under that amount their meal is free, but if they choose to go over and get dessert or something more expensive like a steak, then they pay the difference. That is a choice. They have control over their hard earned money.

The bottom line to the system is to create choices that will hopefully provide learning opportunities. Each child has a big ticket item that they are saving for and how fast they achieve that goal is based on their spending and saving habits. The other teaching opportunity is to get the kids understanding how hard it is to earn money and the value of the purchase. One of the other parts of our system is "EXTRA JOBS". These jobs are posted each month and paid out at a $5/hour rate or sometimes a job rate. At $5 an hour they are having to work hard to earn extra money in addition to their regular chores. 

Some of you may think this is an intense and harsh system. It is amazing that the kids have jumped in whole heartedly. I know intuitively that kids love structure, but I am witnessing that in my home. They are excited to be earning their own money. I have had no complaints about the system at all which is phenomenal considering all the complaining that went on before when they were asked to do something. It is not the kids that are struggling...it's Mom. My next blog will talk about what I am learning about myself and my parenting.