The Perfect Plan and Mommy Guilt

I had lunch yesterday with a new friend and we spent most of our lunch talking about how guilty we feel in giving our kids consequences. Not the yelling, lecturing consequences but the real ones. Leaving a child at home that is always causing you to be late, not taking a homework assignment to him even though it will cause him to get a zero...those kinds of consequences. The "mean" ones. The ones that life gives them that we rescue them from. Why is it that we, as parents cannot stand to allow the natural consequences of life to teach the lessons? 

She and I talked about all sorts of reasons from not wanting to see our children hurt to feeling somehow responsible for them hurting. When life's consequences hit them, they turn to us and that makes us feel responsible. When my youngest forgot her homework for the 2nd day she looked to me to bring it to her and then when I said no it was suddenly not her fault anymore, it was mine. I am constantly reminding my children that I have already been through school and this is their time.  

I would raise a second option as well. Perfection. When I had my first sweet baby I wanted to be the perfect mom. I had it all planned (which should have been my first warning). I was going to wait until a certain point in labor for my epidural ( I knew I wasn't woman enough to go natural). I had a birth plan and had watched hours of TLC Baby Story to prepare for this birth. I was also going to breastfeed because that was how we were going to bond and that was what was BEST for her. I was so excited about my plan. What is the saying...when you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans? You got it. Epidural came early. When we lost the heartbeat late in labor, all bets were off and it was just get her out safely. No birth plan. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I didn't produce enough milk and she latched on all wrong. She was starving and I was miserable. To top it off, she had colic. I felt even more guilty because "they" say breast milk is best for colic and I had none. She and I were off to a roaring start.

Fast forward...I still have a plan and God is still laughing. I want to be the perfect mom and the Pinterest mom and do all the things that I think a "perfect" mom does. And from that, I will produce the perfect kids because don't my kids reflect on me and my parenting? Isn't there a competition among moms from birth? "How long did you breastfeed?", "When did your angel walk?", "My precious is in the gifted program". I am guilty. I want my child in the best and brightest. I want her to have it all and be included. But why? For her? Or for me? Or maybe, for both?

When I really spend time thinking about what that is I think I have it all backwards. My job isn't to give my kids the best birthday party and make sure they make straight A's even if I have to stay up late working on their projects and checking their homework. My job is to teach them that life isn't fair and that some kids are better in math than they are and that that is okay. My job is to remind them that God will not ask where they went to college or what clubs they were in in high school. God wants to know how much are they becoming like Jesus...who is the only perfect one I know. God cares about their hearts and how well they love one another. I think that character is taught during the hard times. It's easy to take all the credit during the easy times and forget about God.

Protecting our kids from failure gives them a false sense of who they are. We have parents paying kids to take the SAT for their kids to help them get into the best schools. Now, I might not do that, but what if I request the best teachers at the school each year instead of allowing my child to learn how to deal with an average teacher? Or if I override the system to get them into the advanced classes or gifted programs so they don't feel left behind? If we as parents believe that God has a plan, then we will trust that that plan can include bad teachers and regular classes.

Instead of removing the obstacles that God may be using to teach our kids (and us), reminding our kids during the hard times that God has a plan and it may not look like theirs will help them when they are older to look to God to get them through and not to us. I don't want to be their rescuer...they already have one.

It is okay to not take that homework and let them get that zero. Hold them while they cry and even cry with them. That is our job.

Shouldn't My Kids Just Do What I Ask? Why Pay Them?

Before we had our family makeover in January, this picture was the scene in my house. I was pulling my thinning, graying (yet beautifully colored) hair out of my head and my kids were arguing over who did the last thing that was asked. This is sort of how it went down in our house:

Mom: "Oldest Angel (because I call on her first every time because she is generally the most reliable...this isn't conscious, but it is what happens), come unload the dishwasher and be sure you load it back."

She runs down and takes care of it.

Mom: "Younger Angel, can you grab the mail and walk the dog honey? She's been in all day long?"

She comes in and does both.

Mom: "Oldest Angel, can you set the table and fill the glasses with ice?"

She does and asks if there is anything else she can do to help with dinner.

Ok....now really! I WISH this is how it went in my house. When I dream, I dream of this!

Normally the responses to these requests are met with "just a minute" or a whiney, "Moooommmmm, I just did something, can't you ask the other ones?" or " Moooommmm, we are playing Wii, can't you wait just a minute?" or "Why do I have to do everything around here? My sister doesn't do anything! Why aren't you asking her to do something?" Then I would engage in the childish argument that my child had set forth instead of just killing the talk right then. Before you know it I am in a full yell and lecture mode about how much they have and how lucky they are and all they are hearing is "blah blah blah". How many times did that lecture end with "Things are gonna change around here". And they would... for a week. 

The beauty of the new system we set up is that the expectations are clearly defined for each child. In a perfect day (which happens only on occasion) I should not have to remind, nag or even ask them to do anything other than something extra I need like bring in the groceries. This takes the heat off of me and puts it on them. They now have a list both printed and posted that is their accountability. For example, I went outside with our visiting puppy this morning, I walked to the mailbox because I didn't remember seeing the mail yesterday. There it was still tucked in the box. I grabbed it and just wrote a ding on the calendar. No lecturing.

Whether you pay your kids or not for chores is a decision that each family has to make. We pay in order to create a family economy to teach the kids about fiscal responsibility. If you don't "ding" for money (see The System and The Trap of Entitlement if you are just now catching up to our journey) then you have to instill some clear consequence in order to teach. I'm embarrassed to admit that my consequence use to be a lot of talking and lecturing that only taught my kids how to tune me out completely. It is amazing that to this day my oldest precious angel can actually not hear my voice when I am right next to her! 

We were clear when we designed this that one of the main parts of this system requires the kids to come off of my wallet and onto their own. Paying them for work gives them money. This money is not just for their liesure and pleasure and a bonus to what I already give them, but it is a replacement for things I use to pay for that I do not anymore. The angels want to drive thru McD's after school for a shake? Awesome! Do they have money? Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no and sometimes one does and one doesn't. Isn't that the way it is in college? Sometimes you have money to go on a late night Taco Bell run with your friends and sometimes you have to say no.  

We cover their basics. If they have a good pair of tennis shoes for school, but see someone in a pair they want more? Awesome! Do they have money? No? Save it! Pick up extra jobs to earn more! We are supportive in helping them think of creative ways to earn, but not here to be their bankroll anymore! They will not have me to bankroll them in a few years and if they don't learn to save and wait on something I am failing them!! 

This instant gratification generation is being fed by well meaning parents like me because I want them to have the latest something something that will make them feel cool and hip. Okay...that last sentence is a whole other blog!!

I am sending my kids the wrong message. See again...the problem starts with me. I helped my angels right into this predicament!