The Perfect Plan and Mommy Guilt

I had lunch yesterday with a new friend and we spent most of our lunch talking about how guilty we feel in giving our kids consequences. Not the yelling, lecturing consequences but the real ones. Leaving a child at home that is always causing you to be late, not taking a homework assignment to him even though it will cause him to get a zero...those kinds of consequences. The "mean" ones. The ones that life gives them that we rescue them from. Why is it that we, as parents cannot stand to allow the natural consequences of life to teach the lessons? 

She and I talked about all sorts of reasons from not wanting to see our children hurt to feeling somehow responsible for them hurting. When life's consequences hit them, they turn to us and that makes us feel responsible. When my youngest forgot her homework for the 2nd day she looked to me to bring it to her and then when I said no it was suddenly not her fault anymore, it was mine. I am constantly reminding my children that I have already been through school and this is their time.  

I would raise a second option as well. Perfection. When I had my first sweet baby I wanted to be the perfect mom. I had it all planned (which should have been my first warning). I was going to wait until a certain point in labor for my epidural ( I knew I wasn't woman enough to go natural). I had a birth plan and had watched hours of TLC Baby Story to prepare for this birth. I was also going to breastfeed because that was how we were going to bond and that was what was BEST for her. I was so excited about my plan. What is the saying...when you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans? You got it. Epidural came early. When we lost the heartbeat late in labor, all bets were off and it was just get her out safely. No birth plan. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I didn't produce enough milk and she latched on all wrong. She was starving and I was miserable. To top it off, she had colic. I felt even more guilty because "they" say breast milk is best for colic and I had none. She and I were off to a roaring start.

Fast forward...I still have a plan and God is still laughing. I want to be the perfect mom and the Pinterest mom and do all the things that I think a "perfect" mom does. And from that, I will produce the perfect kids because don't my kids reflect on me and my parenting? Isn't there a competition among moms from birth? "How long did you breastfeed?", "When did your angel walk?", "My precious is in the gifted program". I am guilty. I want my child in the best and brightest. I want her to have it all and be included. But why? For her? Or for me? Or maybe, for both?

When I really spend time thinking about what that is I think I have it all backwards. My job isn't to give my kids the best birthday party and make sure they make straight A's even if I have to stay up late working on their projects and checking their homework. My job is to teach them that life isn't fair and that some kids are better in math than they are and that that is okay. My job is to remind them that God will not ask where they went to college or what clubs they were in in high school. God wants to know how much are they becoming like Jesus...who is the only perfect one I know. God cares about their hearts and how well they love one another. I think that character is taught during the hard times. It's easy to take all the credit during the easy times and forget about God.

Protecting our kids from failure gives them a false sense of who they are. We have parents paying kids to take the SAT for their kids to help them get into the best schools. Now, I might not do that, but what if I request the best teachers at the school each year instead of allowing my child to learn how to deal with an average teacher? Or if I override the system to get them into the advanced classes or gifted programs so they don't feel left behind? If we as parents believe that God has a plan, then we will trust that that plan can include bad teachers and regular classes.

Instead of removing the obstacles that God may be using to teach our kids (and us), reminding our kids during the hard times that God has a plan and it may not look like theirs will help them when they are older to look to God to get them through and not to us. I don't want to be their rescuer...they already have one.

It is okay to not take that homework and let them get that zero. Hold them while they cry and even cry with them. That is our job.