What is "Right"?

I have been overwhelmed these past weeks by the response to Dewing Life. It has made me feel less alone on this parenting road. As I look at all the pictures of moms and dads and grandparents that have "Liked" our Facebook page, I see loving parents and precious kids. I have been humbled by the private messages and emails I have received encouraging me in my own parenting journey as well.

We can all find parents that we think are doing it better than us and ones we think are doing worse. I started this blog out of my failings. I wish I had been more on top of things when my children were smaller, but I missed so now I am catching up...and it's way tougher now than it would have been at 3 and 4. But I hope it's easier now than at 16 and 17.

What is "right" for one family may not be for another. For example, just ask the question "What age should a child be to receive a cell phone?" and see what kind of discussion gets going. There are varied opinions on so many parenting issues we are all facing. Our kids have more technology than we could have dreamt of as children and know so much more about it than we do. It seems their innocence is being threatened at every turn with more and more sexual and violent images on every screen while we are left trying to figure out how to work the new remotes in our living room. 

Navigating parental waters these days is treacherous. We as parents face so many more obstacles and challenges than our parents did. And because of this, I know I am guilty of getting bogged down in checking to see what everyone else is doing instead of figuring out what works for my family and my children based on our values and the actual needs of my children. 

What I am afraid is happening is that culture is driving our parenting decisions instead of solid parenting driving our culture. 

I have to make sure I am doing what is "right" by what I actually think is right...not what every other parent is allowing their child to do. Just like putting my kids in 7 sports at age 4 to make sure they were not left behind, I now feel pressure to Instagram, SnapChat, Tumblr, Facebook, cell phone and text now so that my angels aren't left out or left behind as the world of social media moves on without them.

Parental peer pressure is as tough as teen peer pressure. I mean honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn't want my kids to be included and not be left out or behind, but that is not the point I should parent from. I want to be best parent I can be and I hope by saying no and setting limits based on what my children need...not out of fear they will be left out or left behind I will edge a little closer to that goal.

Making sure these angels leave our home with a relationship with Jesus, grateful hearts, humility, knowing how to say they are sorry, a good work ethic and a good sense for right and wrong is what I hope to accomplish. That's a lot of teaching and parenting right there! 

Some of those lessons will be taught by me saying no and allowing those chips to fall where they may. Doing the right thing is most often never the easy thing.

The Perfect Plan and Mommy Guilt

I had lunch yesterday with a new friend and we spent most of our lunch talking about how guilty we feel in giving our kids consequences. Not the yelling, lecturing consequences but the real ones. Leaving a child at home that is always causing you to be late, not taking a homework assignment to him even though it will cause him to get a zero...those kinds of consequences. The "mean" ones. The ones that life gives them that we rescue them from. Why is it that we, as parents cannot stand to allow the natural consequences of life to teach the lessons? 

She and I talked about all sorts of reasons from not wanting to see our children hurt to feeling somehow responsible for them hurting. When life's consequences hit them, they turn to us and that makes us feel responsible. When my youngest forgot her homework for the 2nd day she looked to me to bring it to her and then when I said no it was suddenly not her fault anymore, it was mine. I am constantly reminding my children that I have already been through school and this is their time.  

I would raise a second option as well. Perfection. When I had my first sweet baby I wanted to be the perfect mom. I had it all planned (which should have been my first warning). I was going to wait until a certain point in labor for my epidural ( I knew I wasn't woman enough to go natural). I had a birth plan and had watched hours of TLC Baby Story to prepare for this birth. I was also going to breastfeed because that was how we were going to bond and that was what was BEST for her. I was so excited about my plan. What is the saying...when you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans? You got it. Epidural came early. When we lost the heartbeat late in labor, all bets were off and it was just get her out safely. No birth plan. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I didn't produce enough milk and she latched on all wrong. She was starving and I was miserable. To top it off, she had colic. I felt even more guilty because "they" say breast milk is best for colic and I had none. She and I were off to a roaring start.

Fast forward...I still have a plan and God is still laughing. I want to be the perfect mom and the Pinterest mom and do all the things that I think a "perfect" mom does. And from that, I will produce the perfect kids because don't my kids reflect on me and my parenting? Isn't there a competition among moms from birth? "How long did you breastfeed?", "When did your angel walk?", "My precious is in the gifted program". I am guilty. I want my child in the best and brightest. I want her to have it all and be included. But why? For her? Or for me? Or maybe, for both?

When I really spend time thinking about what that is I think I have it all backwards. My job isn't to give my kids the best birthday party and make sure they make straight A's even if I have to stay up late working on their projects and checking their homework. My job is to teach them that life isn't fair and that some kids are better in math than they are and that that is okay. My job is to remind them that God will not ask where they went to college or what clubs they were in in high school. God wants to know how much are they becoming like Jesus...who is the only perfect one I know. God cares about their hearts and how well they love one another. I think that character is taught during the hard times. It's easy to take all the credit during the easy times and forget about God.

Protecting our kids from failure gives them a false sense of who they are. We have parents paying kids to take the SAT for their kids to help them get into the best schools. Now, I might not do that, but what if I request the best teachers at the school each year instead of allowing my child to learn how to deal with an average teacher? Or if I override the system to get them into the advanced classes or gifted programs so they don't feel left behind? If we as parents believe that God has a plan, then we will trust that that plan can include bad teachers and regular classes.

Instead of removing the obstacles that God may be using to teach our kids (and us), reminding our kids during the hard times that God has a plan and it may not look like theirs will help them when they are older to look to God to get them through and not to us. I don't want to be their rescuer...they already have one.

It is okay to not take that homework and let them get that zero. Hold them while they cry and even cry with them. That is our job.

Shouldn't My Kids Just Do What I Ask? Why Pay Them?

Before we had our family makeover in January, this picture was the scene in my house. I was pulling my thinning, graying (yet beautifully colored) hair out of my head and my kids were arguing over who did the last thing that was asked. This is sort of how it went down in our house:

Mom: "Oldest Angel (because I call on her first every time because she is generally the most reliable...this isn't conscious, but it is what happens), come unload the dishwasher and be sure you load it back."

She runs down and takes care of it.

Mom: "Younger Angel, can you grab the mail and walk the dog honey? She's been in all day long?"

She comes in and does both.

Mom: "Oldest Angel, can you set the table and fill the glasses with ice?"

She does and asks if there is anything else she can do to help with dinner.

Ok....now really! I WISH this is how it went in my house. When I dream, I dream of this!

Normally the responses to these requests are met with "just a minute" or a whiney, "Moooommmmm, I just did something, can't you ask the other ones?" or " Moooommmm, we are playing Wii, can't you wait just a minute?" or "Why do I have to do everything around here? My sister doesn't do anything! Why aren't you asking her to do something?" Then I would engage in the childish argument that my child had set forth instead of just killing the talk right then. Before you know it I am in a full yell and lecture mode about how much they have and how lucky they are and all they are hearing is "blah blah blah". How many times did that lecture end with "Things are gonna change around here". And they would... for a week. 

The beauty of the new system we set up is that the expectations are clearly defined for each child. In a perfect day (which happens only on occasion) I should not have to remind, nag or even ask them to do anything other than something extra I need like bring in the groceries. This takes the heat off of me and puts it on them. They now have a list both printed and posted that is their accountability. For example, I went outside with our visiting puppy this morning, I walked to the mailbox because I didn't remember seeing the mail yesterday. There it was still tucked in the box. I grabbed it and just wrote a ding on the calendar. No lecturing.

Whether you pay your kids or not for chores is a decision that each family has to make. We pay in order to create a family economy to teach the kids about fiscal responsibility. If you don't "ding" for money (see The System and The Trap of Entitlement if you are just now catching up to our journey) then you have to instill some clear consequence in order to teach. I'm embarrassed to admit that my consequence use to be a lot of talking and lecturing that only taught my kids how to tune me out completely. It is amazing that to this day my oldest precious angel can actually not hear my voice when I am right next to her! 

We were clear when we designed this that one of the main parts of this system requires the kids to come off of my wallet and onto their own. Paying them for work gives them money. This money is not just for their liesure and pleasure and a bonus to what I already give them, but it is a replacement for things I use to pay for that I do not anymore. The angels want to drive thru McD's after school for a shake? Awesome! Do they have money? Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no and sometimes one does and one doesn't. Isn't that the way it is in college? Sometimes you have money to go on a late night Taco Bell run with your friends and sometimes you have to say no.  

We cover their basics. If they have a good pair of tennis shoes for school, but see someone in a pair they want more? Awesome! Do they have money? No? Save it! Pick up extra jobs to earn more! We are supportive in helping them think of creative ways to earn, but not here to be their bankroll anymore! They will not have me to bankroll them in a few years and if they don't learn to save and wait on something I am failing them!! 

This instant gratification generation is being fed by well meaning parents like me because I want them to have the latest something something that will make them feel cool and hip. Okay...that last sentence is a whole other blog!!

I am sending my kids the wrong message. See again...the problem starts with me. I helped my angels right into this predicament!

The Fair Only Comes Once a Year

The mantra, "That's not fair" comes from my children at least once a day. And for the older ones who know better than to say it...they think it and communicate it with body language. The answers to this are the same my parents gave to me..."Life's not fair" or my favorite "The fair comes once a year". But do these litte quips deal with the heart of that comment?

Who promised our kids a fair life? Don't we, even as adults, look for fairness? Isn't that what has led to all players getting trophies and a "good effort" being treated as well as a winning team? Why is it that we have become the generation of "fair" parents? Is the world fair? Should it be? In life there are winners and losers. There are life lessons on both sides of that coin. Sometimes the bigger lessons come on the losing side, but we are robbing our children of those if we rescue them and try to "even" everything up.

We have a generation of kids coming out of college expecting to be treated fairly. I would hope that they will be for the most part, but as we all know, they will face unfair moments in their life and if they have not been equipped on how to handle those moments it could be a hard road with great consequence. What can we do as parents to prepare our kids? Isn't the mantra "that's not fair" really saying "that's not equal"?

One of the main questions I have gotten about our chore system is deciding on how much to pay out to each child. We struggled with this and from the response I have gotten others struggle as well. What if you have two children close in age for instance? My youngest two are 15 months apart. We pay the older more and the younger less. The younger angel was not happy (that is an understatement...this angel has no trouble expressing herself) about this and asked (demanded) why she made the least. My husband, being the business man he is, explained that there was something called tenure that meant a person had been there longer. He explained that at his company a new employee may come in and do the same work as someone who has been there 8 years and make less money. He also showed her that with hard work and picking up extra jobs she could make more with a little hustle. Guess what? First month...she made the most. If we had given in and evened it up or even closed the gap on what we paid we would have robbed her of the opportunity to show us and herself she could work smart and hard.

So many kids are coming out of college today screaming for more and doing nothing to earn it and then feeling frustrated and unappreciated they quit that job in search of someone who will see in them the talents that their parents saw. Let's be careful as we encourage our kids that we don't set them up to fail in the real world by teaching them fair is equal and they deserve that. We each have to earn that.

Yes, there may be more crying now, but I hope that the lesson will prevent crying later because in life, the fair only comes once a year!

Answering Some Questions

I have had such an amazing response to our family's new chore system that I thought I would post some answers to questions that keep coming up:

1. Do you ding for other behavior issues or hygiene related problems that have to be reminded?

A: No. We only ding for work related offenses. This includes attitude about a job/chore. For example, if a child is asked to do something and they are sassy then it can be dinged. If that child is fighting with her sister then that requires another consequence. Hygiene reminders are not dinged, but any suggestions are welcome! :o)

2. How much allowance is given and what is it based on?

A: We based our system on need and age and responsibility. The oldest child has more spend opportunities and can take on more responsibility so she makes the most. There is also something to be said for tenure...she's been around the longest. This question is also asked about children who drive and gas money. My suggestion is that you look at what you are currently spending on gas and use that as a base number. 

The object here is to create a reward for a job well done, but not to give so much that they will not need to work the next month. We also didn't want to give so much that they didn't feel the need to work outside the house or pick up extra jobs when they were posted. The number you start with can be fluid to some degree. Let the kids know that everyone is learning together and some things may have to adjust, but err on the side of caution. It's easy to give a raise...impossible to take it away.

3. What do you do if the children live in two homes?

A: Our children do live in two homes and we have two different schedules. Our oldest is with us for a week and with her mom for a week. Our youngest two are with us every week and with their dad every other weekend and one night during the week. So...we called the other parents and told them what we were observing and our plan to address it. We were thankful that they agreed whole heartedly and jumped on board. We pay the allowance from our house, but they  benefit from work done at theirs. They report dings to us each week and we deduct accordingly. They do the same basic work for the other house as here. 

I am aware that not all divorce situations are amicable, but if you have specific questions please feel free to email me at dewinglife@gmail.com and we can discuss this further.

4. Is the money earned outside the home put into the savings formula?

A: Yes. All money is put into the jar and paid out at the end of each month. This way it gets tithed on and saved. This may get some blow back if you have children who earn outside money for babysitting or mowing lawns and they are use to pocketing that money. We did this to teach them giving off the top and saving. That way they are giving and saving off of their TOTAL earnings. Remember, we are teaching life skills and fiscal responsibility. 

5. Do you pay for sports or hobbies or school activities or do the kids?

A: I think each family has to make this decision on their own. We pay for anything related to school or sport, but not hobbies. For example, my daughter takes sewing lessons and she pays for that and any supplies related to that, but I pay for her tennis lessons. I will admit that I had some guilt in this and when I told her that I would not be paying for sewing she wasn't happy, but I explained all the other things I was still paying for and she began to think. Finally, she said, "You know what? I can make things sewing and sell them to pay for my class and supplies!" Brilliant child!! If I had not asked her to pay for this, I would have robbed her from the opportunity to be creative! Brilliant mom!!

6. How do you set the in-house job rate?

A: We post additional jobs on the board and we pay a $5/hour rate. An example might be: Bring firewood up to the porch or Sweep out the garage and straighten the bikes, balls, etc. Those might pay $1/load and $2 or $3 for the garage...depending. It's funny that some children will scoff at the low pay amounts (usually the older ones) and the younger ones will jump on them. These "little" jobs that take no time will be the difference at the end of the month in who makes the most. No job is too small. The other thing we do on these jobs is post them the beginning of the week and what is not picked off by Saturday moves to a Work Day job and is not paid out extra. It is amazing to me that our kids will let those jobs sit and then have to do them for free, but there is a lesson in that too.

7. What if one child does another's work...do they get paid their money and does that incur a ding on the other?

A: No and no. If the kids work a swap or a deal out amongst themselves we let that stand. I like to see them working together to make the system work for them. Good team work.

Last but not least

8. Do you meet individually with the kids to start or collectively?

A: I think individual meetings are important. Each of our kids had different concerns and questions. Their responses to the new system were consistant with their personalities. One was fine, one made it a competition and tried to be perfect (then we had to deal with her failure when she realized that wasn't possible) and one cried and said she could never do this. Having private meetings allowed us to address and encourage each child according to her own needs and concerns. Our pay out meetings are done individually as well. We asked for feedback during that meeting and made some adjustments based on what we heard. 

The key to getting them on board is to make it fun and show them the upside. They will see the downside automatically. These are chores that most of our kids are suppose to be doing now earning nothing so this is a way to get them some money for them to begin to learn fiscal responsibilities while also learning that hard work is rewarded. It is not a system to encourage perfection or competition. We talk about that a lot. Dings will happen and for the child that is a perfectionist it is a great teaching tool. 

I hope this helps and answers most of your questions. The important thing is that you are consistant and use a system that works for your family. This system is working for us.

Month 2: The System

We paid out our first month last week. Month 2 began on Friday. I find it interesting that the girls each earned more than they thought they would mostly because they each had outside jobs with babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, etc. Pay out was a fun time for them to see everything counted out and divided. They each walked away with cash in hand and some in savings and some designated for charity. All girls were happy and smiling and dancing!

The weekend: Not such a great weekend. Lots of dings. Some of it may be due to the fact that we had company and our routines were off, but not only did some chores go undone, the attitudes were worse than they had been all of last month. I have said from the beginning that I am not looking for perfection and we told the girls as we paid them out that the reminders would stop and they needed to step up and remember on their own. I just find it interesting that once they had money in their pockets (and to each of them it was a good bit of money for their age and stage), their attitudes changed. My husband and I talked about this at length. Just this weekend I handed out more dings than in the first 2 weeks of last month. I dealt with more complaining and challenges than I did the entire last month. Is it the new is worn off or that they have money or a little of both? I don't know. I just find it interesting. 

I will say that for the amount we paid out last month total I am expecting great things this month. For that amount of money they need to be functioning on their own without reminders. I know...this is my issue! I clearly have control issues! I read a book once that said if you are worrying more about your children's problems (grades, chores, whatever) than they are...you have the problem! I will let my children fail, I will let my children fail. This is becoming my mantra, but it is hard. My nature is to save them and not let them hurt, but it is not doing what is right by them. I learn my best lessons in failure, my children are no different. I can hear a thousand sermons about sin, but it is in my own sin consequences that I learn. 

So this week, I will let my angels fall and I will not feel guilty about it. I will feel sad for them, but I will not rescue them. 

I have been getting a lot of questions about the specifics of this system and how to tailor it to a particular household or age group. Please feel free to email me and we can put our heads together. It takes all of us working together to do life! 
Contact me at dewinglife@gmail.com

First Month Complete

The first month of the Dew Chore System is complete! Pay out will be tonight. Savings accounts will be opened tomorrow after school!

I have to say that I am pleased with the system. The girls did a great job with a total of 25 dings. We counted on 10 per month per child so they came in under! They each earned money from outside jobs of pet sitting, dog walking and babysitting. Those monies went straight to the jar as well to be counted toward charity and savings. Everyone is very excited about pay out!

I still am having to talk to myself about letting them spend their money and not feel bad about it. What is that? I know that they need to spend the money they earned so that they will have a need to work more and yet I feel bad about that. They don't have a problem with it, I do. 

I think one of my love languages is "gifts". I love getting them and I love giving them. Whether it is an ice cream after school or a sweater on their bed when they get home. I know that I can still do this for them, but I need to do it less so it is special and they have opportunities to spend their own money. I am working on this! 

I am very proud of all of us! Change is hard....even when it's good!!