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Brag Blog

Just a little moment to brag on our 14 year old angel. In this whole chore system-- after dog walking-- she would give up cooking if she could. She has to prepare dinner two nights a week. She is not into it. She isn't what you would call an enthusiastic cook, but she trudges through her task with about as much excitement as a bump on a pickle.

Well, this week we stepped it up. I dropped her at Publix with my debit card and her grocery list. She was not thrilled at the thought of going in alone and, to be honest, I had trepidation as well. Not for any reason in particular, but it just seemed strange. I don't know why because by her age my mom was sending me into the grocery all the time, but it was just odd seeing her go in alone with a list. My thought was that if she owned the whole dinner it would make her feel more attached to the meal. I mean it's worth a shot right?

After 15 minutes sweet teen angel emerged with ingredients for our dinner and a smile. She said, "I feel so grown up!" And then she said, "Did you know you can get both soft and hard taco shells in one box?" It doesn't take a lot to get us excited here at the Dew House.

Next I dropped she and baby angel at home to start dinner and I headed off to get the other one from tennis. The girls were on their own. They did a great job! Taco dinner with homemade seasoning and two types of shells. Along with rice and all the fixings, it was a great dinner and all the better knowing it was thought, bought (sort of) and prepared by the girls! Our kids really can do more than we think.

**As for the picture....she had just finished playing golf and really didn't want me to take the picture so we compromised. I wanted to take it in the Publix parking lot, but she wasn't having any of that...can't blame a mom for trying!

Date Night Done Right

My husband and I have done date night since we were dating. It is Tuesday night. All of our friends are aware of date night, our kids know about date night, even our ex spouses know about date night. It's our thing. It sounds great that we have a weekly date night...and it is...most of the time.

A funny thing happened to date night after we had been married awhile. Date night turned into fight night. Not every week, but enough so that we had a streak of date night arguments which ended date night in tears and hurt feelings. I can't even tell you what we argued about. I am sure it was kids or chores or something stupid. Aren't all major fights actually over silly things like taking out the trash? Another thing that changed in date night was the quality of date night. I was not getting as dressed up as I use to and he wasn't planning like he use to. We were simply going through the motions of keeping a commitment, but the passion and purpose of date night were a distant memory. Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't this way every week, but overall we had lost our way.

My sweet husband and I were talking about this the other day and he had a great idea. Make date night like it use to be. Okay...that sounds simple, but really. In our busy world and crazy lifestyle we have to be intentional about each other. The purpose of date night is THAT, not to air all the family's dirty laundry. So instead of date night being a place for me to go to bat for the kids on a controversial topic, date night is just about us. We have six other nights to take on family issues. The kids are off limits. For some of you, it may be a quiet date night. Try it. It's hard, but with the kids out of play, you may just learn something new about your spouse.

Date night is about courting and being courted. 

My husband's role is to pursue me throughout the day like he did when we were dating. You see, we haven't been married all that long so some of you longer marriages may have forgotten totally. Let me refresh you.

Men, call your wives throughout the day. If you can't call, send her text. Check in. Tell her you are thinking about her. You can't wait for date night. Come on guys...it hasn't been THAT long. Pursue her!! We want to know we are in your thoughts.

Ladies, think about your men during the day. Send them a text and make it flirty. Plan your outfit, shave your legs and be on time for your date. Put your best foot forward. What if this was a date with someone you didn't know and you were trying to impress them? Be open to being courted. Nothing can crush a man like not being received well.

When my husband pays me a compliment and I am grunged out in my yoga pants, I tend to roll my eyes and wonder what he's up to...I am not open to receiving that compliment because I don't feel the way he is seeing me. Getting dressed up makes me more receptive to those compliments because I feel good about myself. This one thing can change the whole energy of the night.

Dating is a dance that we do and one that is essential to keeping that side of your marriage alive. 

Find a night in the near future and get date night on the calendar. Who doesn't want to be courted? Those were the days that made us want to get married and with good planning and commitment those will be the nights that make us want to stay married. 

Take it from a couple who has lost a marriage...it is fragile. Be intentional about loving each other and making each other top priority...then make sure you communicate that to one another. Don't put it off. We are getting back to dating in the Dew household. I hope to see some of you out and about with us!

Awkward and Weird...Middle School is in the HOUSE!

Awkward and weird have become the new buzzwords at our house of teens and preteens. It seems with middle school things that use to be normal or funny are now awkward and weird. As my girls become more aware of what their friends think and less concerned about what I think, I have also become awkward and weird. And here I thought I was hip and cool...not so much!

My 6th grader does not have a cell phone. EVERYone else her age has one...this according to her of course. And she probably isn't too far off from that being fact. It does seem the age for cell phones is getting younger and younger. Our family takes a fairly conservative stance on cell phones and texting in general. Our 9th grader got texting for Christmas and she was literally the last one in her class. However, since getting texting I don't talk to her on the phone anymore. She just texts me. I may hear from her more often, but rarely by her voice. That's sad to me.

Recently my 6th grader was pitching me her latest on why she should have a cell phone and I was listening with rapt attention. Her argument was that she just didn't know what to tell people when they asked for her number. I told her to give our home number. To which I got a roll of the eyes and a "Mooommmm, that would be so weird". WHAT?? What is so weird about that? She went on to explain that if someone other than her answered the home phone her friends would think that was weird. Really? She went on to educate me by telling me that they all have their own number and they are the only ones that answer their phones so it is not weird at all. 

Okay...now who is weird?

Have we really gotten to the point where kids can't converse with adults or siblings on the phone when they call for someone? This is all the more reason NOT to give her a cell phone. I know it is convenient for our kids to have a cell number, but is convenience causing us to lose sight of the bigger picture? Think about the identity of having your very own number to be reached at by all of your friends. That is a HUGE privilege!! 

I worry about our kids and their communication style. I don't know that waiting until 9th grade for texting did any good for us or if she jumped in and didn't miss a beat. I do think we missed the middle school text drama and for that I am thankful. My goal in delaying a phone is simply to make sure that my kids are mature enough to handle the responsibility that goes with the privilege. 

Texting is here to stay, but we are still the parents and setting limits with technology is still our responsibility. Each device or app requires more parenting on our part. Maybe the reason I don't give phones/texting sooner is that I am just lazy. It's one less thing I have to police. I am okay with that. And for now, you can reach my 4th and 6th grader on the old fashioned land line (ours is even attached to the wall...gasp!!).

Moderation Mama

Finding the balance between toughness and love in parenting my children is the number one problem I face in being a mom. 

I want a rule book that says, "When Child A says X, Mom says Y". I must have left that book at the hospital. 

Speaking of the hospital, am I the only mother out there who couldn't believe that the nurses were letting me take this little person home? I remember thinking inside that even though I had read every book and logged hours of TLC's Baby Story, this real live baby was freaking me out and I didn't know what I was doing.  

Thinking back to that day, I realize that those nurses should have absolutely blockaded the doors. I didn't know what the heck I was doing, but with parenting the learning is IN the doing! 

I have made  make more than my fair share of mistakes daily in parenting. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I am either eating three meals a day at Krispy Kreme or I am on some low carb something or other diet and running 3 miles a day. All in or all out. I can be that way in parenting as well. 

I can either be super permissive and disconnected or Army General and over the top. I am working on being more in the middle. Moderation in all things...right? I have been angry way too much with my kids and I have turned my head way too often as well. And every single day that I have been a mom I have felt guilty about something. 

My prayer is that God covers the gaps that I leave and that I will have enough money for a college fund AND a therapy fund! 

Happy Weekend! May your household run in smooth moderation!

The Update: End of Month Two

Okay fellow frustrated parents, here is the update on The System after two months! 

The system itself is still in place and two months for anything around here is world record so for that I am proud. I will say that the enthusiasm level has decreased and the dings have crept up this month. We are close to pay day though and it is funny how each angel was checking the calendar this afternoon and counting their dings to see what extra chores could be picked up to nullify their deficit. I am not sure that all will be even, but I love the effort. 

Struggles

My youngest angel is, as expected, struggling the most. She is built like her mama so I totally get the lack of attention to detail (the hardest part of this system is ME remembering to check everything). I am not an organized, together mom and my baby girl is her mother's daughter. It has given us great opportunities to talk about procrastination and organization. She is still working on a system that works to help her remember, but she is not defeated and for that I am thankful. My fear was that she would be so far behind her sisters that she would toss her hands up. We have stressed that this is not a competition, but I worried it would become one anyway. So far, so good. 

Adjustments

We made one adjustment after our first month. We had asked each girl to walk a dog each day (3 girls, 3 dogs) for 20 minutes. That proved to be too much the first month so we adjusted and let them walk the dogs 4 times a week for 30 minutes a walk. This way they can look at  their schedules and decide which days work for them. They also learned this month they have to look at the weather as well. If you asked any of them what chore they would give up it would be the dog walking, but it gets them and the pooches out and moving so I don't see this chore going away, but being the model of flexibility that we are...we adjusted. 

The System in Action

 A couple of weeks ago we had middle of the week spend the night company. We never do this, but a friend needed some help while she was out of town. The morning before school was kind of crazy and when I got home I noticed that the youngest's room was a mess. Her bed had been tossed up, but other than that, it was a mess. My first thought was, "Well, we did have a crazy morning". Then I went in the other girls' rooms. They were clean and all the other morning chores had been done. So I went back to baby girl's room. I cleaned it up....the way I like to clean it! Then I wrote the ding on the calendar. Now, if this was pre-system days I would have cleaned it up and then shown her the room after school proclaiming how this would be the last time I would be doing that for her (really...how many last times have I proclaimed in her short 10 years?). Instead, I did what I really wanted to do deep inside which was clean that mess up, and she took a consequence for it. Win-Win!

One other cool thing that happened this month was that a friend of Emma Kate's had a birthday party that asked for donations instead of a gift. She was able to use her charity money for that party. She was so excited to give "her" money to that cause. Love that!

If you ask the girls on any given day and they hate the system, but ask them on pay day and it's the greatest thing ever! I even got a text from my 14 year old asking if this was pay week. This is worth all the moaning and groaning. We are making baby steps!

Let me know how you have adapted this system for your house and any ideas that you find that work!

What is "Right"?

I have been overwhelmed these past weeks by the response to Dewing Life. It has made me feel less alone on this parenting road. As I look at all the pictures of moms and dads and grandparents that have "Liked" our Facebook page, I see loving parents and precious kids. I have been humbled by the private messages and emails I have received encouraging me in my own parenting journey as well.

We can all find parents that we think are doing it better than us and ones we think are doing worse. I started this blog out of my failings. I wish I had been more on top of things when my children were smaller, but I missed so now I am catching up...and it's way tougher now than it would have been at 3 and 4. But I hope it's easier now than at 16 and 17.

What is "right" for one family may not be for another. For example, just ask the question "What age should a child be to receive a cell phone?" and see what kind of discussion gets going. There are varied opinions on so many parenting issues we are all facing. Our kids have more technology than we could have dreamt of as children and know so much more about it than we do. It seems their innocence is being threatened at every turn with more and more sexual and violent images on every screen while we are left trying to figure out how to work the new remotes in our living room. 

Navigating parental waters these days is treacherous. We as parents face so many more obstacles and challenges than our parents did. And because of this, I know I am guilty of getting bogged down in checking to see what everyone else is doing instead of figuring out what works for my family and my children based on our values and the actual needs of my children. 

What I am afraid is happening is that culture is driving our parenting decisions instead of solid parenting driving our culture. 

I have to make sure I am doing what is "right" by what I actually think is right...not what every other parent is allowing their child to do. Just like putting my kids in 7 sports at age 4 to make sure they were not left behind, I now feel pressure to Instagram, SnapChat, Tumblr, Facebook, cell phone and text now so that my angels aren't left out or left behind as the world of social media moves on without them.

Parental peer pressure is as tough as teen peer pressure. I mean honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn't want my kids to be included and not be left out or behind, but that is not the point I should parent from. I want to be best parent I can be and I hope by saying no and setting limits based on what my children need...not out of fear they will be left out or left behind I will edge a little closer to that goal.

Making sure these angels leave our home with a relationship with Jesus, grateful hearts, humility, knowing how to say they are sorry, a good work ethic and a good sense for right and wrong is what I hope to accomplish. That's a lot of teaching and parenting right there! 

Some of those lessons will be taught by me saying no and allowing those chips to fall where they may. Doing the right thing is most often never the easy thing.

The Perfect Plan and Mommy Guilt

I had lunch yesterday with a new friend and we spent most of our lunch talking about how guilty we feel in giving our kids consequences. Not the yelling, lecturing consequences but the real ones. Leaving a child at home that is always causing you to be late, not taking a homework assignment to him even though it will cause him to get a zero...those kinds of consequences. The "mean" ones. The ones that life gives them that we rescue them from. Why is it that we, as parents cannot stand to allow the natural consequences of life to teach the lessons? 

She and I talked about all sorts of reasons from not wanting to see our children hurt to feeling somehow responsible for them hurting. When life's consequences hit them, they turn to us and that makes us feel responsible. When my youngest forgot her homework for the 2nd day she looked to me to bring it to her and then when I said no it was suddenly not her fault anymore, it was mine. I am constantly reminding my children that I have already been through school and this is their time.  

I would raise a second option as well. Perfection. When I had my first sweet baby I wanted to be the perfect mom. I had it all planned (which should have been my first warning). I was going to wait until a certain point in labor for my epidural ( I knew I wasn't woman enough to go natural). I had a birth plan and had watched hours of TLC Baby Story to prepare for this birth. I was also going to breastfeed because that was how we were going to bond and that was what was BEST for her. I was so excited about my plan. What is the saying...when you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans? You got it. Epidural came early. When we lost the heartbeat late in labor, all bets were off and it was just get her out safely. No birth plan. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. I didn't produce enough milk and she latched on all wrong. She was starving and I was miserable. To top it off, she had colic. I felt even more guilty because "they" say breast milk is best for colic and I had none. She and I were off to a roaring start.

Fast forward...I still have a plan and God is still laughing. I want to be the perfect mom and the Pinterest mom and do all the things that I think a "perfect" mom does. And from that, I will produce the perfect kids because don't my kids reflect on me and my parenting? Isn't there a competition among moms from birth? "How long did you breastfeed?", "When did your angel walk?", "My precious is in the gifted program". I am guilty. I want my child in the best and brightest. I want her to have it all and be included. But why? For her? Or for me? Or maybe, for both?

When I really spend time thinking about what that is I think I have it all backwards. My job isn't to give my kids the best birthday party and make sure they make straight A's even if I have to stay up late working on their projects and checking their homework. My job is to teach them that life isn't fair and that some kids are better in math than they are and that that is okay. My job is to remind them that God will not ask where they went to college or what clubs they were in in high school. God wants to know how much are they becoming like Jesus...who is the only perfect one I know. God cares about their hearts and how well they love one another. I think that character is taught during the hard times. It's easy to take all the credit during the easy times and forget about God.

Protecting our kids from failure gives them a false sense of who they are. We have parents paying kids to take the SAT for their kids to help them get into the best schools. Now, I might not do that, but what if I request the best teachers at the school each year instead of allowing my child to learn how to deal with an average teacher? Or if I override the system to get them into the advanced classes or gifted programs so they don't feel left behind? If we as parents believe that God has a plan, then we will trust that that plan can include bad teachers and regular classes.

Instead of removing the obstacles that God may be using to teach our kids (and us), reminding our kids during the hard times that God has a plan and it may not look like theirs will help them when they are older to look to God to get them through and not to us. I don't want to be their rescuer...they already have one.

It is okay to not take that homework and let them get that zero. Hold them while they cry and even cry with them. That is our job.

Shouldn't My Kids Just Do What I Ask? Why Pay Them?

Before we had our family makeover in January, this picture was the scene in my house. I was pulling my thinning, graying (yet beautifully colored) hair out of my head and my kids were arguing over who did the last thing that was asked. This is sort of how it went down in our house:

Mom: "Oldest Angel (because I call on her first every time because she is generally the most reliable...this isn't conscious, but it is what happens), come unload the dishwasher and be sure you load it back."

She runs down and takes care of it.

Mom: "Younger Angel, can you grab the mail and walk the dog honey? She's been in all day long?"

She comes in and does both.

Mom: "Oldest Angel, can you set the table and fill the glasses with ice?"

She does and asks if there is anything else she can do to help with dinner.

Ok....now really! I WISH this is how it went in my house. When I dream, I dream of this!

Normally the responses to these requests are met with "just a minute" or a whiney, "Moooommmmm, I just did something, can't you ask the other ones?" or " Moooommmm, we are playing Wii, can't you wait just a minute?" or "Why do I have to do everything around here? My sister doesn't do anything! Why aren't you asking her to do something?" Then I would engage in the childish argument that my child had set forth instead of just killing the talk right then. Before you know it I am in a full yell and lecture mode about how much they have and how lucky they are and all they are hearing is "blah blah blah". How many times did that lecture end with "Things are gonna change around here". And they would... for a week. 

The beauty of the new system we set up is that the expectations are clearly defined for each child. In a perfect day (which happens only on occasion) I should not have to remind, nag or even ask them to do anything other than something extra I need like bring in the groceries. This takes the heat off of me and puts it on them. They now have a list both printed and posted that is their accountability. For example, I went outside with our visiting puppy this morning, I walked to the mailbox because I didn't remember seeing the mail yesterday. There it was still tucked in the box. I grabbed it and just wrote a ding on the calendar. No lecturing.

Whether you pay your kids or not for chores is a decision that each family has to make. We pay in order to create a family economy to teach the kids about fiscal responsibility. If you don't "ding" for money (see The System and The Trap of Entitlement if you are just now catching up to our journey) then you have to instill some clear consequence in order to teach. I'm embarrassed to admit that my consequence use to be a lot of talking and lecturing that only taught my kids how to tune me out completely. It is amazing that to this day my oldest precious angel can actually not hear my voice when I am right next to her! 

We were clear when we designed this that one of the main parts of this system requires the kids to come off of my wallet and onto their own. Paying them for work gives them money. This money is not just for their liesure and pleasure and a bonus to what I already give them, but it is a replacement for things I use to pay for that I do not anymore. The angels want to drive thru McD's after school for a shake? Awesome! Do they have money? Sometimes it is yes and sometimes it is no and sometimes one does and one doesn't. Isn't that the way it is in college? Sometimes you have money to go on a late night Taco Bell run with your friends and sometimes you have to say no.  

We cover their basics. If they have a good pair of tennis shoes for school, but see someone in a pair they want more? Awesome! Do they have money? No? Save it! Pick up extra jobs to earn more! We are supportive in helping them think of creative ways to earn, but not here to be their bankroll anymore! They will not have me to bankroll them in a few years and if they don't learn to save and wait on something I am failing them!! 

This instant gratification generation is being fed by well meaning parents like me because I want them to have the latest something something that will make them feel cool and hip. Okay...that last sentence is a whole other blog!!

I am sending my kids the wrong message. See again...the problem starts with me. I helped my angels right into this predicament!

The Fair Only Comes Once a Year

The mantra, "That's not fair" comes from my children at least once a day. And for the older ones who know better than to say it...they think it and communicate it with body language. The answers to this are the same my parents gave to me..."Life's not fair" or my favorite "The fair comes once a year". But do these litte quips deal with the heart of that comment?

Who promised our kids a fair life? Don't we, even as adults, look for fairness? Isn't that what has led to all players getting trophies and a "good effort" being treated as well as a winning team? Why is it that we have become the generation of "fair" parents? Is the world fair? Should it be? In life there are winners and losers. There are life lessons on both sides of that coin. Sometimes the bigger lessons come on the losing side, but we are robbing our children of those if we rescue them and try to "even" everything up.

We have a generation of kids coming out of college expecting to be treated fairly. I would hope that they will be for the most part, but as we all know, they will face unfair moments in their life and if they have not been equipped on how to handle those moments it could be a hard road with great consequence. What can we do as parents to prepare our kids? Isn't the mantra "that's not fair" really saying "that's not equal"?

One of the main questions I have gotten about our chore system is deciding on how much to pay out to each child. We struggled with this and from the response I have gotten others struggle as well. What if you have two children close in age for instance? My youngest two are 15 months apart. We pay the older more and the younger less. The younger angel was not happy (that is an understatement...this angel has no trouble expressing herself) about this and asked (demanded) why she made the least. My husband, being the business man he is, explained that there was something called tenure that meant a person had been there longer. He explained that at his company a new employee may come in and do the same work as someone who has been there 8 years and make less money. He also showed her that with hard work and picking up extra jobs she could make more with a little hustle. Guess what? First month...she made the most. If we had given in and evened it up or even closed the gap on what we paid we would have robbed her of the opportunity to show us and herself she could work smart and hard.

So many kids are coming out of college today screaming for more and doing nothing to earn it and then feeling frustrated and unappreciated they quit that job in search of someone who will see in them the talents that their parents saw. Let's be careful as we encourage our kids that we don't set them up to fail in the real world by teaching them fair is equal and they deserve that. We each have to earn that.

Yes, there may be more crying now, but I hope that the lesson will prevent crying later because in life, the fair only comes once a year!

Answering Some Questions

I have had such an amazing response to our family's new chore system that I thought I would post some answers to questions that keep coming up:

1. Do you ding for other behavior issues or hygiene related problems that have to be reminded?

A: No. We only ding for work related offenses. This includes attitude about a job/chore. For example, if a child is asked to do something and they are sassy then it can be dinged. If that child is fighting with her sister then that requires another consequence. Hygiene reminders are not dinged, but any suggestions are welcome! :o)

2. How much allowance is given and what is it based on?

A: We based our system on need and age and responsibility. The oldest child has more spend opportunities and can take on more responsibility so she makes the most. There is also something to be said for tenure...she's been around the longest. This question is also asked about children who drive and gas money. My suggestion is that you look at what you are currently spending on gas and use that as a base number. 

The object here is to create a reward for a job well done, but not to give so much that they will not need to work the next month. We also didn't want to give so much that they didn't feel the need to work outside the house or pick up extra jobs when they were posted. The number you start with can be fluid to some degree. Let the kids know that everyone is learning together and some things may have to adjust, but err on the side of caution. It's easy to give a raise...impossible to take it away.

3. What do you do if the children live in two homes?

A: Our children do live in two homes and we have two different schedules. Our oldest is with us for a week and with her mom for a week. Our youngest two are with us every week and with their dad every other weekend and one night during the week. So...we called the other parents and told them what we were observing and our plan to address it. We were thankful that they agreed whole heartedly and jumped on board. We pay the allowance from our house, but they  benefit from work done at theirs. They report dings to us each week and we deduct accordingly. They do the same basic work for the other house as here. 

I am aware that not all divorce situations are amicable, but if you have specific questions please feel free to email me at dewinglife@gmail.com and we can discuss this further.

4. Is the money earned outside the home put into the savings formula?

A: Yes. All money is put into the jar and paid out at the end of each month. This way it gets tithed on and saved. This may get some blow back if you have children who earn outside money for babysitting or mowing lawns and they are use to pocketing that money. We did this to teach them giving off the top and saving. That way they are giving and saving off of their TOTAL earnings. Remember, we are teaching life skills and fiscal responsibility. 

5. Do you pay for sports or hobbies or school activities or do the kids?

A: I think each family has to make this decision on their own. We pay for anything related to school or sport, but not hobbies. For example, my daughter takes sewing lessons and she pays for that and any supplies related to that, but I pay for her tennis lessons. I will admit that I had some guilt in this and when I told her that I would not be paying for sewing she wasn't happy, but I explained all the other things I was still paying for and she began to think. Finally, she said, "You know what? I can make things sewing and sell them to pay for my class and supplies!" Brilliant child!! If I had not asked her to pay for this, I would have robbed her from the opportunity to be creative! Brilliant mom!!

6. How do you set the in-house job rate?

A: We post additional jobs on the board and we pay a $5/hour rate. An example might be: Bring firewood up to the porch or Sweep out the garage and straighten the bikes, balls, etc. Those might pay $1/load and $2 or $3 for the garage...depending. It's funny that some children will scoff at the low pay amounts (usually the older ones) and the younger ones will jump on them. These "little" jobs that take no time will be the difference at the end of the month in who makes the most. No job is too small. The other thing we do on these jobs is post them the beginning of the week and what is not picked off by Saturday moves to a Work Day job and is not paid out extra. It is amazing to me that our kids will let those jobs sit and then have to do them for free, but there is a lesson in that too.

7. What if one child does another's work...do they get paid their money and does that incur a ding on the other?

A: No and no. If the kids work a swap or a deal out amongst themselves we let that stand. I like to see them working together to make the system work for them. Good team work.

Last but not least

8. Do you meet individually with the kids to start or collectively?

A: I think individual meetings are important. Each of our kids had different concerns and questions. Their responses to the new system were consistant with their personalities. One was fine, one made it a competition and tried to be perfect (then we had to deal with her failure when she realized that wasn't possible) and one cried and said she could never do this. Having private meetings allowed us to address and encourage each child according to her own needs and concerns. Our pay out meetings are done individually as well. We asked for feedback during that meeting and made some adjustments based on what we heard. 

The key to getting them on board is to make it fun and show them the upside. They will see the downside automatically. These are chores that most of our kids are suppose to be doing now earning nothing so this is a way to get them some money for them to begin to learn fiscal responsibilities while also learning that hard work is rewarded. It is not a system to encourage perfection or competition. We talk about that a lot. Dings will happen and for the child that is a perfectionist it is a great teaching tool. 

I hope this helps and answers most of your questions. The important thing is that you are consistant and use a system that works for your family. This system is working for us.

Month 2: The System

We paid out our first month last week. Month 2 began on Friday. I find it interesting that the girls each earned more than they thought they would mostly because they each had outside jobs with babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, etc. Pay out was a fun time for them to see everything counted out and divided. They each walked away with cash in hand and some in savings and some designated for charity. All girls were happy and smiling and dancing!

The weekend: Not such a great weekend. Lots of dings. Some of it may be due to the fact that we had company and our routines were off, but not only did some chores go undone, the attitudes were worse than they had been all of last month. I have said from the beginning that I am not looking for perfection and we told the girls as we paid them out that the reminders would stop and they needed to step up and remember on their own. I just find it interesting that once they had money in their pockets (and to each of them it was a good bit of money for their age and stage), their attitudes changed. My husband and I talked about this at length. Just this weekend I handed out more dings than in the first 2 weeks of last month. I dealt with more complaining and challenges than I did the entire last month. Is it the new is worn off or that they have money or a little of both? I don't know. I just find it interesting. 

I will say that for the amount we paid out last month total I am expecting great things this month. For that amount of money they need to be functioning on their own without reminders. I know...this is my issue! I clearly have control issues! I read a book once that said if you are worrying more about your children's problems (grades, chores, whatever) than they are...you have the problem! I will let my children fail, I will let my children fail. This is becoming my mantra, but it is hard. My nature is to save them and not let them hurt, but it is not doing what is right by them. I learn my best lessons in failure, my children are no different. I can hear a thousand sermons about sin, but it is in my own sin consequences that I learn. 

So this week, I will let my angels fall and I will not feel guilty about it. I will feel sad for them, but I will not rescue them. 

I have been getting a lot of questions about the specifics of this system and how to tailor it to a particular household or age group. Please feel free to email me and we can put our heads together. It takes all of us working together to do life! 
Contact me at dewinglife@gmail.com

First Month Complete

The first month of the Dew Chore System is complete! Pay out will be tonight. Savings accounts will be opened tomorrow after school!

I have to say that I am pleased with the system. The girls did a great job with a total of 25 dings. We counted on 10 per month per child so they came in under! They each earned money from outside jobs of pet sitting, dog walking and babysitting. Those monies went straight to the jar as well to be counted toward charity and savings. Everyone is very excited about pay out!

I still am having to talk to myself about letting them spend their money and not feel bad about it. What is that? I know that they need to spend the money they earned so that they will have a need to work more and yet I feel bad about that. They don't have a problem with it, I do. 

I think one of my love languages is "gifts". I love getting them and I love giving them. Whether it is an ice cream after school or a sweater on their bed when they get home. I know that I can still do this for them, but I need to do it less so it is special and they have opportunities to spend their own money. I am working on this! 

I am very proud of all of us! Change is hard....even when it's good!!

Maybe It Was Me All Along

This post was written at the two week mark!

We are now two weeks in to our new chore/responsibility system with our girls and it is amazing how much I have struggled during these two weeks. 

When we put the system in place and met with each child, they were excited and so was I. They jumped into the plan and it was AMAZING the difference in the cleanliness of our house. Just by them each picking up after themselves I found I had to find a new morning routine. Usually I would get up each morning and pick up blankets and shoes from around the den, pile them on the stairs for each child and then straighten the kitchen counters. I am a morning person and not a night person so this was my routine. 

Now, all blankets were folded and pillows in place on the sofa. There were no shoes and the kitchen was neat as a pin. The stairs where I normally place things to go up (which never went up without multiple reminders) were clear. That first morning I wandered around a little lost. Would I finally have time for morning quiet time? One would think I would have jumped for joy...and I did a little, but there was a nagging in my heart I couldn't quite pin down.

The week wore on and I witnessed each child really stepping up to the plate. We had great meals that they were proud of and moments of me being able to teach them kitchen tricks. Our dogs were being walked on a daily basis and some of the girls were even getting up on their own to do it before school as they learned to manage their time. I was amazed and yet still felt the nagging.

Then came the moment that the first "ding" occurred and I realized the nagging had been the dread of this moment. The kids had done an amazing job all week. We all knew that dings would happen and we talked about that in our meetings with them when we started. We talked about this not being a perfection and competition system and that they should expect dings. But now was the moment of truth. One child had gotten a bandaid out of the laundry room and when I walked in, the doors were open to 2 cabinets, the box was lying on the counter with bandaids pouring out of it with the remnants of the chosen bandaid lying beside the box. This was an obvious ding. And this was a ding going to my youngest. 

This was the child who had cried when we told her about the system and said she couldn't do it. This is my child who I do too much for and needs the system the most. This is my least responsible child and the one I worried about the most in implementing this. She was also the one who had jumped in with both feet and done an amazing job. She had surprised me and herself. And now I had to ding her. I almost didn't. Thoughts raced through my head and I began to rationalize, "she's done so well", but then the opposing thought said, "yes, but the point is that she understands that doing well means DOING WELL." Giving her a pass would be teaching her another very wrong lesson. I quietly picked up the mess and wrote on the calendar. An hour went by before she noticed. And her response? Not the fit and crying and giving up I had expected. She said, "Oh Mom...I totally forgot that!" WHAT?? This caught me off guard. I am not sure why because parenting 101 teaches that if there are clear expectations then kids understand when they fall short. I still couldn't believe it. 

That happened with each child that first week. Each child had a ding and each child simply said, "Oh man!". But no child had the same ding twice. 

As week one turned into week two I found I had more free time. I was planning things to do with the kids and in a much better mood. I had time to clean out the junk drawer and organize the pantry. These are things I NEVER had time to do before. I am still adjusting to my new time allowance. And the kids are still excited about earning money. They each printed flyers and sent out emails looking for extra jobs in the neighborhood to add to their jars. 

I have to say I am impressed with my kids. They were capable of far more than I gave them credit for but I never saw it until I gave them the chance to do it! 

BUT every ding gives me pause. I have to bite my tongue not to remind them to do things. I have clearly enabled my children right into their entitlement. It's easy to sit around and complain about our kids' attitudes, but it is tough to look in the mirror and realize you are the one who helped them become this way. Doing things for them and giving them passes on obvious infractions is how we got here...and that buck has to stop with me. This system making me aware of my shortcomings...even though those shortcomings are out of love!

Be sure to look back at my other posts: "The Trap of Entitlement" and "The System" to catch up as we walk this walk together!

The Dew Chore System

In my last post, "The Trap of Entitlement",  I promised to detail the plan that my husband and I put into place to help us have some structure in our home to combat the entitlement that had set into our kids. Structure is probably the key word. You can read about why we decided to put this system in place at http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html.

My husband is a very systematic person and like they say, opposites attract. I am not systematic. I am a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. As a stay at home mom I do the majority of daily parenting in our household. So you may see where this is going. I am not consistant with my kids. I have gotten into the habit of telling them what to do and then either not following through with a consequence when it is not done or simply stepping in and doing it for them because it's easier...or at least I think at the moment it's easier. I also buy a lot for them. I have a hard line on some things like phones and electronics, but otherwise I want them to have the latest. And they are girls so I am partial to cute clothes, shoes and accessories. Basically my kids want for little and pay for nothing. 

THE PLAN

Items Needed:

1. Large calendar (I used a vinyl wall calendar that adheres to the wall)
2. Dry Erase Pens (including a red one)
3. A jar per kid
4. One dollar bills
5. A chore list per kid
6. Excel Spreadsheet (optional)

The first thing we did was make a chore list for each girl that was age appropriate and that would teach them life skills. For example, our 14 year old is responsible for all the laundry. She has to have it done each week by a certain day and time so she can choose how she manages that task. Each girl has to plan and cook at least one meal a week. Our girls are 10, 11 and 14. I think kids as young as 4 or 5 can begin to help in the kitchen. 

The other thing we did was pinpoint some of the chronic issues we have in our household. Most of my strife revolves around people not picking up after themselves. It is amazing that people can step over things and leave stuff strewn all over the house assuming that elves will come in the night and put it away. Oh...wait...that's right! I was the elf so of course they believe that! Part of each child's chore list was that they pick up after themselves. For example, if they make a sandwich in the kitchen, everything needs to be put away and the counter wiped. If that does not happen, there is a ding (more on that in a minute).

The final thing that we did was suspend cleaning services to the upstairs. Each girl was given rubber gloves and a toilet brush for their bathroom. The upstairs is their area and they are now responsible for keeping it clean. For us this will be Saturday morning clean up. They will vacuum and clean bathrooms. Their rooms should be clean from the week so it shouldn't be too bad of a chore, but I want them to each know how to dust and clean a bathroom. 

We had a meeting with each child. We told them the amount of their monthly salary. We actually handed them the jar with the money  in it. In the past we tried to do chores on a weekly system and we would forget to pay it out and the system fell apart before it got started. This time I went to the bank and took out several months of allowance in one dollar bills so that I would hold up my end of the bargain. There was also a mental twist that this was their money to lose. Each jar is sitting on the kitchen counter. The reason for the ones? The dings. Every time a chore is not done or items are left lying around the kids pay me to do that for them. I don't yell or nag, I simply take care of it and then go to the calendar and write in red, the amount of the "ding" and what it was for. At the end of each month we settle up. Each girl has to choose a charity and give 10% to charity or church. What is left is divided and half is put in a savings account and the other half is theirs to spend. 

The final part of this system is giving them opportunities to spend so that there is a need to earn. That means we, the parents, stop giving them everything. The girls now pay for all their own entertainment. They buy all birthday gifts for others. If we go out for yogurt, they pay for their own. We have even adopted a stipend system for eating out. When we eat out we will tell the kids how much of the meal we will cover, say $10 per child. If they stay under that amount their meal is free, but if they choose to go over and get dessert or something more expensive like a steak, then they pay the difference. That is a choice. They have control over their hard earned money.

The bottom line to the system is to create choices that will hopefully provide learning opportunities. Each child has a big ticket item that they are saving for and how fast they achieve that goal is based on their spending and saving habits. The other teaching opportunity is to get the kids understanding how hard it is to earn money and the value of the purchase. One of the other parts of our system is "EXTRA JOBS". These jobs are posted each month and paid out at a $5/hour rate or sometimes a job rate. At $5 an hour they are having to work hard to earn extra money in addition to their regular chores. 

Some of you may think this is an intense and harsh system. It is amazing that the kids have jumped in whole heartedly. I know intuitively that kids love structure, but I am witnessing that in my home. They are excited to be earning their own money. I have had no complaints about the system at all which is phenomenal considering all the complaining that went on before when they were asked to do something. It is not the kids that are struggling...it's Mom. My next blog will talk about what I am learning about myself and my parenting.

The Trap of Entitlement

This blog post will be a series of posts that chronicle a parent's walk with their children out of the trap of entitlement. I don't know at this point if we will arrive, but I will be honest about the process. This is a real time experiment so the outcome is unknown. I hope that if you see yourself in this post  you will be encouraged and inspired and that you will encourage me as well along the way. This is action and forward motion, but not a guarantee of outcome.

I don't really like New Year's Resolutions...mostly because I don't keep them very well. I am a great starter of things and a horrible finisher of things. That quality doesn't do well with resolutions, however this year I am motivated to do differently because of my children. My precious angels. You see this Christmas I realized that my precious ones had somehow come to believe that the world revolved around them. I have five children, two of whom are either late in their college career or gainfully employed. The other three are still at home and those children are the ones I am motivated by. 

My husband and I are in our second marriage and blessed with a comfortable life. I didn't grow up with all the comforts that my children have, but with those privileges has come with another side that is not so charmed. Entitlement. One could argue that money doesn't make you entitled, attitude does. I will agree with that whole heartedly, but money makes the destination of entitlement an easier road to travel down. God warns us of this in I Timothy 6:10 where it states clearly that "money is the root of all evil". 

How did MY kids become so entitled? They have no money! Hmmm...could this be me?

It is a gift God gives us in blinding us to the shortcomings of our own offspring, but it is also a curse. I am a mom who watches for entitlement in my kids, but was still caught off guard by statements made around Christmas this year that had my parent antennae up and at alert. We have a 14 year old who decided that this year she was only going to use a $50 gift card (which was given to her as a gift) to buy her gifts for everyone in our family. In principle I don't have a problem spending only $50, but it was her attitude about this card. The way she would say in her self righteous teenage voice, "Everyone will just have to deal with that". UGH!! Whose child was this? My sweet girl who would hand make gifts and worry about them just a few years ago was making her own Christmas list with hardly an item UNDER $50, but telling others to "deal". That was our first warning bell. This was followed by my younger daughter asking me when the cleaning lady was coming so she didn't have to pick up her room. WHAT?? There are so many more incidents that I am actually too embarrassed to write. 

My husband and I called an emergency parent meeting and spent a large part of Christmas break discussing the issue of entitlement that we were noticing in our kids. We noted that they were doing little around the house except when coerced and nagged. We also noted that I had been on a downward spiral and in a bad mood for several months. I felt I was always fussing or yelling at someone OR I was picking up after my angels and resenting and fuming. Either way makes Mommy in a bad mood. When I wasn't cleaning up, I was driving to practices or play dates or cooking or refereeing, and then coming home to a house in disarray. Everything revolved either directly or indirectly around the kids. Something had to give.

My husband is in the business of employment and owns his own company. Like any good man, he went to his strength of fixing things and together we came up with a plan that begins to address the entitlement and hopefully instills some fiscal responsibility in our children. The key to this plan is enforcement. I will detail the plan in my next post, but basically it involves chores, allowance and "dings". It also involves creating opportunities for spending choices. This plan involves a lot of choice. Each child has control and with that control they own their choices...good and bad. 

We are nearing the end of week two and I will tell you that I have learned a lot about myself and each of my children. The answer to the question, "Is this my doing?"...the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I will talk about that as I go, but suffice it to say I have a bad habit of rescuing my children and in doing so keeping them from learning the tough lessons in life that we all have to learn. This system has been hardest on me I think. The kids are doing great and my house is cleaner than it has been in years, but I have had to take a deep look into why it is so hard for me to "ding" my kids. 

If this sounds like a familiar story please follow along. So many moms I have talked to resonate with our problem and we can all draw strength from one another. Buckle up!!