Maybe It Was Me All Along

This post was written at the two week mark!

We are now two weeks in to our new chore/responsibility system with our girls and it is amazing how much I have struggled during these two weeks. 

When we put the system in place and met with each child, they were excited and so was I. They jumped into the plan and it was AMAZING the difference in the cleanliness of our house. Just by them each picking up after themselves I found I had to find a new morning routine. Usually I would get up each morning and pick up blankets and shoes from around the den, pile them on the stairs for each child and then straighten the kitchen counters. I am a morning person and not a night person so this was my routine. 

Now, all blankets were folded and pillows in place on the sofa. There were no shoes and the kitchen was neat as a pin. The stairs where I normally place things to go up (which never went up without multiple reminders) were clear. That first morning I wandered around a little lost. Would I finally have time for morning quiet time? One would think I would have jumped for joy...and I did a little, but there was a nagging in my heart I couldn't quite pin down.

The week wore on and I witnessed each child really stepping up to the plate. We had great meals that they were proud of and moments of me being able to teach them kitchen tricks. Our dogs were being walked on a daily basis and some of the girls were even getting up on their own to do it before school as they learned to manage their time. I was amazed and yet still felt the nagging.

Then came the moment that the first "ding" occurred and I realized the nagging had been the dread of this moment. The kids had done an amazing job all week. We all knew that dings would happen and we talked about that in our meetings with them when we started. We talked about this not being a perfection and competition system and that they should expect dings. But now was the moment of truth. One child had gotten a bandaid out of the laundry room and when I walked in, the doors were open to 2 cabinets, the box was lying on the counter with bandaids pouring out of it with the remnants of the chosen bandaid lying beside the box. This was an obvious ding. And this was a ding going to my youngest. 

This was the child who had cried when we told her about the system and said she couldn't do it. This is my child who I do too much for and needs the system the most. This is my least responsible child and the one I worried about the most in implementing this. She was also the one who had jumped in with both feet and done an amazing job. She had surprised me and herself. And now I had to ding her. I almost didn't. Thoughts raced through my head and I began to rationalize, "she's done so well", but then the opposing thought said, "yes, but the point is that she understands that doing well means DOING WELL." Giving her a pass would be teaching her another very wrong lesson. I quietly picked up the mess and wrote on the calendar. An hour went by before she noticed. And her response? Not the fit and crying and giving up I had expected. She said, "Oh Mom...I totally forgot that!" WHAT?? This caught me off guard. I am not sure why because parenting 101 teaches that if there are clear expectations then kids understand when they fall short. I still couldn't believe it. 

That happened with each child that first week. Each child had a ding and each child simply said, "Oh man!". But no child had the same ding twice. 

As week one turned into week two I found I had more free time. I was planning things to do with the kids and in a much better mood. I had time to clean out the junk drawer and organize the pantry. These are things I NEVER had time to do before. I am still adjusting to my new time allowance. And the kids are still excited about earning money. They each printed flyers and sent out emails looking for extra jobs in the neighborhood to add to their jars. 

I have to say I am impressed with my kids. They were capable of far more than I gave them credit for but I never saw it until I gave them the chance to do it! 

BUT every ding gives me pause. I have to bite my tongue not to remind them to do things. I have clearly enabled my children right into their entitlement. It's easy to sit around and complain about our kids' attitudes, but it is tough to look in the mirror and realize you are the one who helped them become this way. Doing things for them and giving them passes on obvious infractions is how we got here...and that buck has to stop with me. This system making me aware of my shortcomings...even though those shortcomings are out of love!

Be sure to look back at my other posts: "The Trap of Entitlement" and "The System" to catch up as we walk this walk together!

The Dew Chore System

In my last post, "The Trap of Entitlement",  I promised to detail the plan that my husband and I put into place to help us have some structure in our home to combat the entitlement that had set into our kids. Structure is probably the key word. You can read about why we decided to put this system in place at http://dewinglife.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-trap-of-entitlement.html.

My husband is a very systematic person and like they say, opposites attract. I am not systematic. I am a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. As a stay at home mom I do the majority of daily parenting in our household. So you may see where this is going. I am not consistant with my kids. I have gotten into the habit of telling them what to do and then either not following through with a consequence when it is not done or simply stepping in and doing it for them because it's easier...or at least I think at the moment it's easier. I also buy a lot for them. I have a hard line on some things like phones and electronics, but otherwise I want them to have the latest. And they are girls so I am partial to cute clothes, shoes and accessories. Basically my kids want for little and pay for nothing. 

THE PLAN

Items Needed:

1. Large calendar (I used a vinyl wall calendar that adheres to the wall)
2. Dry Erase Pens (including a red one)
3. A jar per kid
4. One dollar bills
5. A chore list per kid
6. Excel Spreadsheet (optional)

The first thing we did was make a chore list for each girl that was age appropriate and that would teach them life skills. For example, our 14 year old is responsible for all the laundry. She has to have it done each week by a certain day and time so she can choose how she manages that task. Each girl has to plan and cook at least one meal a week. Our girls are 10, 11 and 14. I think kids as young as 4 or 5 can begin to help in the kitchen. 

The other thing we did was pinpoint some of the chronic issues we have in our household. Most of my strife revolves around people not picking up after themselves. It is amazing that people can step over things and leave stuff strewn all over the house assuming that elves will come in the night and put it away. Oh...wait...that's right! I was the elf so of course they believe that! Part of each child's chore list was that they pick up after themselves. For example, if they make a sandwich in the kitchen, everything needs to be put away and the counter wiped. If that does not happen, there is a ding (more on that in a minute).

The final thing that we did was suspend cleaning services to the upstairs. Each girl was given rubber gloves and a toilet brush for their bathroom. The upstairs is their area and they are now responsible for keeping it clean. For us this will be Saturday morning clean up. They will vacuum and clean bathrooms. Their rooms should be clean from the week so it shouldn't be too bad of a chore, but I want them to each know how to dust and clean a bathroom. 

We had a meeting with each child. We told them the amount of their monthly salary. We actually handed them the jar with the money  in it. In the past we tried to do chores on a weekly system and we would forget to pay it out and the system fell apart before it got started. This time I went to the bank and took out several months of allowance in one dollar bills so that I would hold up my end of the bargain. There was also a mental twist that this was their money to lose. Each jar is sitting on the kitchen counter. The reason for the ones? The dings. Every time a chore is not done or items are left lying around the kids pay me to do that for them. I don't yell or nag, I simply take care of it and then go to the calendar and write in red, the amount of the "ding" and what it was for. At the end of each month we settle up. Each girl has to choose a charity and give 10% to charity or church. What is left is divided and half is put in a savings account and the other half is theirs to spend. 

The final part of this system is giving them opportunities to spend so that there is a need to earn. That means we, the parents, stop giving them everything. The girls now pay for all their own entertainment. They buy all birthday gifts for others. If we go out for yogurt, they pay for their own. We have even adopted a stipend system for eating out. When we eat out we will tell the kids how much of the meal we will cover, say $10 per child. If they stay under that amount their meal is free, but if they choose to go over and get dessert or something more expensive like a steak, then they pay the difference. That is a choice. They have control over their hard earned money.

The bottom line to the system is to create choices that will hopefully provide learning opportunities. Each child has a big ticket item that they are saving for and how fast they achieve that goal is based on their spending and saving habits. The other teaching opportunity is to get the kids understanding how hard it is to earn money and the value of the purchase. One of the other parts of our system is "EXTRA JOBS". These jobs are posted each month and paid out at a $5/hour rate or sometimes a job rate. At $5 an hour they are having to work hard to earn extra money in addition to their regular chores. 

Some of you may think this is an intense and harsh system. It is amazing that the kids have jumped in whole heartedly. I know intuitively that kids love structure, but I am witnessing that in my home. They are excited to be earning their own money. I have had no complaints about the system at all which is phenomenal considering all the complaining that went on before when they were asked to do something. It is not the kids that are struggling...it's Mom. My next blog will talk about what I am learning about myself and my parenting.

The Trap of Entitlement

This blog post will be a series of posts that chronicle a parent's walk with their children out of the trap of entitlement. I don't know at this point if we will arrive, but I will be honest about the process. This is a real time experiment so the outcome is unknown. I hope that if you see yourself in this post  you will be encouraged and inspired and that you will encourage me as well along the way. This is action and forward motion, but not a guarantee of outcome.

I don't really like New Year's Resolutions...mostly because I don't keep them very well. I am a great starter of things and a horrible finisher of things. That quality doesn't do well with resolutions, however this year I am motivated to do differently because of my children. My precious angels. You see this Christmas I realized that my precious ones had somehow come to believe that the world revolved around them. I have five children, two of whom are either late in their college career or gainfully employed. The other three are still at home and those children are the ones I am motivated by. 

My husband and I are in our second marriage and blessed with a comfortable life. I didn't grow up with all the comforts that my children have, but with those privileges has come with another side that is not so charmed. Entitlement. One could argue that money doesn't make you entitled, attitude does. I will agree with that whole heartedly, but money makes the destination of entitlement an easier road to travel down. God warns us of this in I Timothy 6:10 where it states clearly that "money is the root of all evil". 

How did MY kids become so entitled? They have no money! Hmmm...could this be me?

It is a gift God gives us in blinding us to the shortcomings of our own offspring, but it is also a curse. I am a mom who watches for entitlement in my kids, but was still caught off guard by statements made around Christmas this year that had my parent antennae up and at alert. We have a 14 year old who decided that this year she was only going to use a $50 gift card (which was given to her as a gift) to buy her gifts for everyone in our family. In principle I don't have a problem spending only $50, but it was her attitude about this card. The way she would say in her self righteous teenage voice, "Everyone will just have to deal with that". UGH!! Whose child was this? My sweet girl who would hand make gifts and worry about them just a few years ago was making her own Christmas list with hardly an item UNDER $50, but telling others to "deal". That was our first warning bell. This was followed by my younger daughter asking me when the cleaning lady was coming so she didn't have to pick up her room. WHAT?? There are so many more incidents that I am actually too embarrassed to write. 

My husband and I called an emergency parent meeting and spent a large part of Christmas break discussing the issue of entitlement that we were noticing in our kids. We noted that they were doing little around the house except when coerced and nagged. We also noted that I had been on a downward spiral and in a bad mood for several months. I felt I was always fussing or yelling at someone OR I was picking up after my angels and resenting and fuming. Either way makes Mommy in a bad mood. When I wasn't cleaning up, I was driving to practices or play dates or cooking or refereeing, and then coming home to a house in disarray. Everything revolved either directly or indirectly around the kids. Something had to give.

My husband is in the business of employment and owns his own company. Like any good man, he went to his strength of fixing things and together we came up with a plan that begins to address the entitlement and hopefully instills some fiscal responsibility in our children. The key to this plan is enforcement. I will detail the plan in my next post, but basically it involves chores, allowance and "dings". It also involves creating opportunities for spending choices. This plan involves a lot of choice. Each child has control and with that control they own their choices...good and bad. 

We are nearing the end of week two and I will tell you that I have learned a lot about myself and each of my children. The answer to the question, "Is this my doing?"...the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I will talk about that as I go, but suffice it to say I have a bad habit of rescuing my children and in doing so keeping them from learning the tough lessons in life that we all have to learn. This system has been hardest on me I think. The kids are doing great and my house is cleaner than it has been in years, but I have had to take a deep look into why it is so hard for me to "ding" my kids. 

If this sounds like a familiar story please follow along. So many moms I have talked to resonate with our problem and we can all draw strength from one another. Buckle up!!

Being Great in the Small Things

My daughter recently told me she wanted to be something great when she was older. She's 11 now. My advice to her was right on, but I have to admit it is something that I struggle with to this day. So since I struggle to take my own advice I thought you might struggle with it as well. You see I want to be great too....and I am a grown up.

My advice on being great is simple. It is to do the little things well. It is to make every decision count no matter how small. Make every day intentional. Use the time God has given you on the earth to do all things well--even the insignificant. Sounds great...right?

In my prayer time this morning I was telling God how I just had had no time lately and felt overwhelmed with time constraint when before my eyes flashed the Facebook logo, the Twitter logo, my new Google Plus account and that all consuming Pinterest site that has my attention to see what Holiday decor I need to be planning. I had to repent. I had to confess that, in fact, I have more time than I would like to admit, but how I spend it might not be as God honoring as I would hope. I am missing the small things by doing my own things. The decision to stay on social media takes time from other areas of my life. 

What would my day look like if I woke and thought "What does God want to use me to do today?" What if the answer was to stay home and catch up on my laundry because God knows that tomorrow I will get a call from a friend in crisis and my whole day will be spent there? What if God knows my husband really needs the laundry done because he is stressed at work and it makes him feel good to see all of his t-shirts in his drawer when he gets home? I don't know about you, but my "God complex" makes me only want to do the great things. I don't want to do the mundane. I want to sit the bench and wait on God to call me in for something great! Maybe God is waiting for me to get off of Facebook and seek out His plan for my day. With so many distractions in our world finding time to "fit God in" is becoming harder and harder. 

I find it interesting that after Saul met Jesus on the Road to Damascus that he jumped in with both feet preaching in the local Synagogues where he was promptly run out of town. Paul was use to going big or going home. God sent him home and Paul spent nearly ten years in virtual isolation. I wonder if Paul's ego was still like his former Saul-self? I wonder if in benching Paul for a decade God was trying to teach him not only the scriptures, but a great personal lesson as well? Did the church shrink in those ten years? Nope. It had great growth. Did God NEED Paul? Nope. God could get it done on his own. Could God use a man like Paul? Absolutely. But Paul learned that God will get His plan done with or without Paul. God needed obedience and a humble willing heart. He needed him to go to these places to preach, but also build congregations which meant doing some of the mundane. Paul didn't take money for his time planting churches so he made tents to earn a living. Paul's line in Philippians about "doing all things through Christ who strengthens me" has nothing to do with football (although that is where I see it most these days). It has to do with surviving on little or much. It is about contentment. Am I content in the mundane or am I just a glory hog? Am I still my 11 year old self that wants to be great?

I don't want to go to a desert or be banished to learn these lessons. I want to learn from Paul. I am to do the planting or the watering and let God do the growing. Obedience in the small things of life and doing those well may lead to big things or maybe not, but the goal is God's glory...not mine. BUT out of God's glory comes my fulfillment. Being used by God under His terms is the greatest job on earth. Don't get caught up in comparing with others, just keep your head down in doing what God called YOU to do today. If it is laundry, then get out the Tide. 

Cleaning Out The Closet: Part 2

How to begin when my emotional closet is so full? One thing at a time is how we start with our physical closets. It takes time and intentionality to clean out our literal closets. The same goes for our emotional closets as well.

First of all, we have to open the closets in our life. We have to be courageous enough to look under our emotional bed and face the clutter that is there. Some have locked that closet and thrown away the key. For many the resentment of someone or the righteous anger is so ingrained in us to throw it out would be to lose a part of who we are. 

For example, I know a man whose wife cheated on him with his best friend. This best friend turned on my friend and began to spread terrible rumors and untruths. He was sly though and the wife never saw that side of her new love. My friend was bitter. He was wounded so deeply that he could not let this injustice go. He could admit that he had not been a perfect husband, but he endured many lies and hateful words throughout this ordeal that kept him reeling. He put that self righteous anger in the closet. He had been done wrong on so many levels. He never got an apology from either of the offending parties. It was a dark and lonely time. The years went on and from time to time he would get this injustice out and she would feel all over again the righteous indignation that he felt in the beginning. It felt good to be right. But what he could not see is that every time he mulled that over he was also becoming bitter. This event in his life, because he didn't let it go and put it in the closet, was spawning other clutter that was even tougher to let go of.  So now, when he goes to the emotional closet to do some purging it feels overwhelming so he closes the door and walks away. And the feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and righteousness stay with him.

Why? What's the solution? No doubt this man was wronged and wounded by her closest friend and lover. But how could he have avoided the clutter nearly ten years later?

It starts with remembering who we are. We are sinners. In situations like I described above where the sin is open and "big" it is easy to point fingers, but at the foot of the cross all sin is equal. If it was not so then we could all walk around with measuring sticks. I could feel good about myself because my sin is not as bad as yours. I may gossip from time to time, but I would NEVER cheat on my husband. But my gossip can be just as wounding as a cheating spouse. My gossip is a betrayal just like cheating. God judges it all the same. Sin is sin.

Romans 2:1 says "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." ----OUCH!

Coming face to face with who WE are as a sinner in our own life shaves away at the self righteousness we can feel when we are "done wrong". Sometimes (okay...a lot of times) I am way more interested in sifting through your closet and looking at your sins than doing my own cleaning out. 

Back to my friend. When we look at ourselves honestly in light of the cross what leg do we have to stand on to not forgive someone else? Satan loves an unforgiving spirit that is stored away in our emotional closet because then he can create bitterness so much easier. Each of those stands in the way of a true view of the Cross. 

Confess and deal with your own sin and responsibility in your relationships. Grieve the losses and the wounds both that you caused and that were done to you. Spend time with Jesus hashing it out and be honest. He will take even your feeble attempts and make good with them. 

Bullying or Meanness...and does it matter?

I have been asked to speak to my children's school staff on the topic of bullying vs. meanness. This is a topic that has gotten a lot of press and conversation over the last few years starting with the Columbine shootings. As I gather my thoughts and do my research I would like to hear from some of you about your own experiences with bullying no matter which side you may have been on at the time. Maybe you are a parent with a child who is experiencing bullying or maybe you realize that you were a bully.

Do you think that bullying is a word that is overused? Do you think that sometimes kids are just mean and that doesn't make them a bully? 

Stopbullying.gov says this about the definition of bullying:

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

The imbalance of power is the key followed by the repetition. 

Have the incidents gone up in the last few years or are we more aware? Does the blame lie with the parents? Are we raising entitled and unempathetic children? How do we cut down on the bullying? Or is it kids being kids? 

I want to hear from you! Your thoughts and experiences! 

Cleaning out the Closets

What if you had a dinner party for several couples most of whom you did not know and you opened every closet and drawer in your home as it is RIGHT now? No straightening, no cleaning...as it stands. For some of my super organized friends that is perfectly fine, but for the vast majority of us that strikes fear and makes stomachs turn. I know it does for me. 

If you are like me when I have guests over I have a few places that are off limits and that is where the last minute clutter lives. The main part of my house is beautiful and clean. The candles are lit and the decorations are out, but if you walk into the closet under my stairs things might fall out on you. I, for one, would be mortified to open every closet and every drawer for people I don't know and even for some that I do know. I want you to have the impression that my party-ready house is my everyday house. And isn't it that way with our emotional clutter too? Don't we want people to think our church self or our party self is our true self? How many times have you seen couples in social settings and thought, "Wow...they really have it together" only to find out they are divorcing? They were projecting their party ready self and hiding the truth in the closets and drawers.

But in my life, Jesus already knows about my secret closet where I hide my anger and resentment. He knows about the drawer where my jealousy lives side by side with my insecurity. He has seen under my bed where I keep my critical spirit and self righteousness. Now I would never trot those things out at the dinner party just like I don't want you to accidentally open the junk drawer or walk into the laundry room where stacks of dirty clothes live. 

I think I am doing a great job of hiding all the mess in my life, but it leaks out. At first only my family sees my secrets, but slowly over time if I am not confessing and facing those closets and cleaning them out before God the mess begins to spill out into the living spaces of my life.  Just like closets in our home, the closets of our life can only hold so much clutter. We have to clean them out which means opening them and looking through the stuff. That can feel scary and overwhelming.

Whatever clutter you have in your life closet just start with one thing and sit with that one thing before God who already has a detailed inventory anyway. Confess it and ask for His strength in throwing it out. Don't be an emotional hoarder!

Psalms 139:1-15

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.