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Brag Blog

Just a little moment to brag on our 14 year old angel. In this whole chore system-- after dog walking-- she would give up cooking if she could. She has to prepare dinner two nights a week. She is not into it. She isn't what you would call an enthusiastic cook, but she trudges through her task with about as much excitement as a bump on a pickle.

Well, this week we stepped it up. I dropped her at Publix with my debit card and her grocery list. She was not thrilled at the thought of going in alone and, to be honest, I had trepidation as well. Not for any reason in particular, but it just seemed strange. I don't know why because by her age my mom was sending me into the grocery all the time, but it was just odd seeing her go in alone with a list. My thought was that if she owned the whole dinner it would make her feel more attached to the meal. I mean it's worth a shot right?

After 15 minutes sweet teen angel emerged with ingredients for our dinner and a smile. She said, "I feel so grown up!" And then she said, "Did you know you can get both soft and hard taco shells in one box?" It doesn't take a lot to get us excited here at the Dew House.

Next I dropped she and baby angel at home to start dinner and I headed off to get the other one from tennis. The girls were on their own. They did a great job! Taco dinner with homemade seasoning and two types of shells. Along with rice and all the fixings, it was a great dinner and all the better knowing it was thought, bought (sort of) and prepared by the girls! Our kids really can do more than we think.

**As for the picture....she had just finished playing golf and really didn't want me to take the picture so we compromised. I wanted to take it in the Publix parking lot, but she wasn't having any of that...can't blame a mom for trying!

Date Night Done Right

My husband and I have done date night since we were dating. It is Tuesday night. All of our friends are aware of date night, our kids know about date night, even our ex spouses know about date night. It's our thing. It sounds great that we have a weekly date night...and it is...most of the time.

A funny thing happened to date night after we had been married awhile. Date night turned into fight night. Not every week, but enough so that we had a streak of date night arguments which ended date night in tears and hurt feelings. I can't even tell you what we argued about. I am sure it was kids or chores or something stupid. Aren't all major fights actually over silly things like taking out the trash? Another thing that changed in date night was the quality of date night. I was not getting as dressed up as I use to and he wasn't planning like he use to. We were simply going through the motions of keeping a commitment, but the passion and purpose of date night were a distant memory. Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't this way every week, but overall we had lost our way.

My sweet husband and I were talking about this the other day and he had a great idea. Make date night like it use to be. Okay...that sounds simple, but really. In our busy world and crazy lifestyle we have to be intentional about each other. The purpose of date night is THAT, not to air all the family's dirty laundry. So instead of date night being a place for me to go to bat for the kids on a controversial topic, date night is just about us. We have six other nights to take on family issues. The kids are off limits. For some of you, it may be a quiet date night. Try it. It's hard, but with the kids out of play, you may just learn something new about your spouse.

Date night is about courting and being courted. 

My husband's role is to pursue me throughout the day like he did when we were dating. You see, we haven't been married all that long so some of you longer marriages may have forgotten totally. Let me refresh you.

Men, call your wives throughout the day. If you can't call, send her text. Check in. Tell her you are thinking about her. You can't wait for date night. Come on guys...it hasn't been THAT long. Pursue her!! We want to know we are in your thoughts.

Ladies, think about your men during the day. Send them a text and make it flirty. Plan your outfit, shave your legs and be on time for your date. Put your best foot forward. What if this was a date with someone you didn't know and you were trying to impress them? Be open to being courted. Nothing can crush a man like not being received well.

When my husband pays me a compliment and I am grunged out in my yoga pants, I tend to roll my eyes and wonder what he's up to...I am not open to receiving that compliment because I don't feel the way he is seeing me. Getting dressed up makes me more receptive to those compliments because I feel good about myself. This one thing can change the whole energy of the night.

Dating is a dance that we do and one that is essential to keeping that side of your marriage alive. 

Find a night in the near future and get date night on the calendar. Who doesn't want to be courted? Those were the days that made us want to get married and with good planning and commitment those will be the nights that make us want to stay married. 

Take it from a couple who has lost a marriage...it is fragile. Be intentional about loving each other and making each other top priority...then make sure you communicate that to one another. Don't put it off. We are getting back to dating in the Dew household. I hope to see some of you out and about with us!

Awkward and Weird...Middle School is in the HOUSE!

Awkward and weird have become the new buzzwords at our house of teens and preteens. It seems with middle school things that use to be normal or funny are now awkward and weird. As my girls become more aware of what their friends think and less concerned about what I think, I have also become awkward and weird. And here I thought I was hip and cool...not so much!

My 6th grader does not have a cell phone. EVERYone else her age has one...this according to her of course. And she probably isn't too far off from that being fact. It does seem the age for cell phones is getting younger and younger. Our family takes a fairly conservative stance on cell phones and texting in general. Our 9th grader got texting for Christmas and she was literally the last one in her class. However, since getting texting I don't talk to her on the phone anymore. She just texts me. I may hear from her more often, but rarely by her voice. That's sad to me.

Recently my 6th grader was pitching me her latest on why she should have a cell phone and I was listening with rapt attention. Her argument was that she just didn't know what to tell people when they asked for her number. I told her to give our home number. To which I got a roll of the eyes and a "Mooommmm, that would be so weird". WHAT?? What is so weird about that? She went on to explain that if someone other than her answered the home phone her friends would think that was weird. Really? She went on to educate me by telling me that they all have their own number and they are the only ones that answer their phones so it is not weird at all. 

Okay...now who is weird?

Have we really gotten to the point where kids can't converse with adults or siblings on the phone when they call for someone? This is all the more reason NOT to give her a cell phone. I know it is convenient for our kids to have a cell number, but is convenience causing us to lose sight of the bigger picture? Think about the identity of having your very own number to be reached at by all of your friends. That is a HUGE privilege!! 

I worry about our kids and their communication style. I don't know that waiting until 9th grade for texting did any good for us or if she jumped in and didn't miss a beat. I do think we missed the middle school text drama and for that I am thankful. My goal in delaying a phone is simply to make sure that my kids are mature enough to handle the responsibility that goes with the privilege. 

Texting is here to stay, but we are still the parents and setting limits with technology is still our responsibility. Each device or app requires more parenting on our part. Maybe the reason I don't give phones/texting sooner is that I am just lazy. It's one less thing I have to police. I am okay with that. And for now, you can reach my 4th and 6th grader on the old fashioned land line (ours is even attached to the wall...gasp!!).

Moderation Mama

Finding the balance between toughness and love in parenting my children is the number one problem I face in being a mom. 

I want a rule book that says, "When Child A says X, Mom says Y". I must have left that book at the hospital. 

Speaking of the hospital, am I the only mother out there who couldn't believe that the nurses were letting me take this little person home? I remember thinking inside that even though I had read every book and logged hours of TLC's Baby Story, this real live baby was freaking me out and I didn't know what I was doing.  

Thinking back to that day, I realize that those nurses should have absolutely blockaded the doors. I didn't know what the heck I was doing, but with parenting the learning is IN the doing! 

I have made  make more than my fair share of mistakes daily in parenting. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I am either eating three meals a day at Krispy Kreme or I am on some low carb something or other diet and running 3 miles a day. All in or all out. I can be that way in parenting as well. 

I can either be super permissive and disconnected or Army General and over the top. I am working on being more in the middle. Moderation in all things...right? I have been angry way too much with my kids and I have turned my head way too often as well. And every single day that I have been a mom I have felt guilty about something. 

My prayer is that God covers the gaps that I leave and that I will have enough money for a college fund AND a therapy fund! 

Happy Weekend! May your household run in smooth moderation!

The Update: End of Month Two

Okay fellow frustrated parents, here is the update on The System after two months! 

The system itself is still in place and two months for anything around here is world record so for that I am proud. I will say that the enthusiasm level has decreased and the dings have crept up this month. We are close to pay day though and it is funny how each angel was checking the calendar this afternoon and counting their dings to see what extra chores could be picked up to nullify their deficit. I am not sure that all will be even, but I love the effort. 

Struggles

My youngest angel is, as expected, struggling the most. She is built like her mama so I totally get the lack of attention to detail (the hardest part of this system is ME remembering to check everything). I am not an organized, together mom and my baby girl is her mother's daughter. It has given us great opportunities to talk about procrastination and organization. She is still working on a system that works to help her remember, but she is not defeated and for that I am thankful. My fear was that she would be so far behind her sisters that she would toss her hands up. We have stressed that this is not a competition, but I worried it would become one anyway. So far, so good. 

Adjustments

We made one adjustment after our first month. We had asked each girl to walk a dog each day (3 girls, 3 dogs) for 20 minutes. That proved to be too much the first month so we adjusted and let them walk the dogs 4 times a week for 30 minutes a walk. This way they can look at  their schedules and decide which days work for them. They also learned this month they have to look at the weather as well. If you asked any of them what chore they would give up it would be the dog walking, but it gets them and the pooches out and moving so I don't see this chore going away, but being the model of flexibility that we are...we adjusted. 

The System in Action

 A couple of weeks ago we had middle of the week spend the night company. We never do this, but a friend needed some help while she was out of town. The morning before school was kind of crazy and when I got home I noticed that the youngest's room was a mess. Her bed had been tossed up, but other than that, it was a mess. My first thought was, "Well, we did have a crazy morning". Then I went in the other girls' rooms. They were clean and all the other morning chores had been done. So I went back to baby girl's room. I cleaned it up....the way I like to clean it! Then I wrote the ding on the calendar. Now, if this was pre-system days I would have cleaned it up and then shown her the room after school proclaiming how this would be the last time I would be doing that for her (really...how many last times have I proclaimed in her short 10 years?). Instead, I did what I really wanted to do deep inside which was clean that mess up, and she took a consequence for it. Win-Win!

One other cool thing that happened this month was that a friend of Emma Kate's had a birthday party that asked for donations instead of a gift. She was able to use her charity money for that party. She was so excited to give "her" money to that cause. Love that!

If you ask the girls on any given day and they hate the system, but ask them on pay day and it's the greatest thing ever! I even got a text from my 14 year old asking if this was pay week. This is worth all the moaning and groaning. We are making baby steps!

Let me know how you have adapted this system for your house and any ideas that you find that work!

What is "Right"?

I have been overwhelmed these past weeks by the response to Dewing Life. It has made me feel less alone on this parenting road. As I look at all the pictures of moms and dads and grandparents that have "Liked" our Facebook page, I see loving parents and precious kids. I have been humbled by the private messages and emails I have received encouraging me in my own parenting journey as well.

We can all find parents that we think are doing it better than us and ones we think are doing worse. I started this blog out of my failings. I wish I had been more on top of things when my children were smaller, but I missed so now I am catching up...and it's way tougher now than it would have been at 3 and 4. But I hope it's easier now than at 16 and 17.

What is "right" for one family may not be for another. For example, just ask the question "What age should a child be to receive a cell phone?" and see what kind of discussion gets going. There are varied opinions on so many parenting issues we are all facing. Our kids have more technology than we could have dreamt of as children and know so much more about it than we do. It seems their innocence is being threatened at every turn with more and more sexual and violent images on every screen while we are left trying to figure out how to work the new remotes in our living room. 

Navigating parental waters these days is treacherous. We as parents face so many more obstacles and challenges than our parents did. And because of this, I know I am guilty of getting bogged down in checking to see what everyone else is doing instead of figuring out what works for my family and my children based on our values and the actual needs of my children. 

What I am afraid is happening is that culture is driving our parenting decisions instead of solid parenting driving our culture. 

I have to make sure I am doing what is "right" by what I actually think is right...not what every other parent is allowing their child to do. Just like putting my kids in 7 sports at age 4 to make sure they were not left behind, I now feel pressure to Instagram, SnapChat, Tumblr, Facebook, cell phone and text now so that my angels aren't left out or left behind as the world of social media moves on without them.

Parental peer pressure is as tough as teen peer pressure. I mean honestly, I would be lying if I said I didn't want my kids to be included and not be left out or behind, but that is not the point I should parent from. I want to be best parent I can be and I hope by saying no and setting limits based on what my children need...not out of fear they will be left out or left behind I will edge a little closer to that goal.

Making sure these angels leave our home with a relationship with Jesus, grateful hearts, humility, knowing how to say they are sorry, a good work ethic and a good sense for right and wrong is what I hope to accomplish. That's a lot of teaching and parenting right there! 

Some of those lessons will be taught by me saying no and allowing those chips to fall where they may. Doing the right thing is most often never the easy thing.